I woke up with a heavy head today. Probably due to dehydration since I didn’t drink much water yesterday.
Slowly, the heavy head evolved into heavy heart as the day progresses to noon.

Something inside me is eating me up and I just don’t feel good.

I am reluctant to face people today, possibly I am just afraid of them.

Eek. Someone asked a male colleague if he was after me. Duh. What ever happened to the pure and innocent thoughts about platonic friendship. We come from same company and always have quite a bit of free time at hands, so we tend to hang out a bit. That shouldn’t account for anything, right?

Sometimes, I just wish I am invisible.

One of my favourite colleagues has a promotion. That’s nice.

Been a while since I last blogged about my daily activities eh?

Despite spending main bulk of my time consumed by CSI(I finally caught up with approximately 15 episodes over the past week) and Heroes(I shall not mention how my early day back home yesterday was spent watching the 1st 9 episodes at one go. 9 more to go!), and the ever-routine pressurising work, I realise I still DO have a life somewhere with my social-butterfly self at its best.

Perhaps overdose of that makes me a recluse for these 2 days. I couldn’t wait but head straight for home on Thursday. It doesn’t matter if it means missing dinner, and just holing up under the duvet like it’s the only place I feel safe.

I spent my day my Tuesday(27th) in similar fashion, and I liked it. Nothing worth mentioning, yet felt terribly fulfilling spending a little time with myself.

My colleagues and I ended slightly before 5 and I reached home at early 5pm, feeling good to start my Heroes marathon, nude under the blankies.

9 hours of Heroes plus a bit of housekeeping in the middle of the night is crazy but good for a little off-time for the mind.

Until it was near midnight, when I was tempted to up a colleague’s offer to join him at Boat Quay since I owe him a beer, but thought it was too late to head out. I would have done so on other nights, but I was just… a bit anti-social and the thought of meeting his friends scares me. I am so no good with people.

He seems like a nice person and a really good company though we have yet to hang out, so perhaps would catch up with him a little after I leave the bank.

And… it was also near midnight, before a surprising SMS came in. Someone I met at a friend’s wedding just over a month ago and we bumped into each other again recently. Hurhurhur.

Basically, in his words, he was bored and thought of asking me out. To a bar perhaps and that he would fetch me.

But I was too comfortable at home so despite how he then suggested I could just wear casual and ‘we just go drive drive lor’ and that it would be a guaranteed nice place(SBB said ‘it is almost like I ask someone out to Mt Faber or some place you know… you know..’) that I wouldn’t be disappointed.. I was simply too anti-social and tired to do so.

He then messaged I don’t walk much and he would reach my place in 15 minutes.

!!!! Like salesperson doing closing huh!

I then said I would take a raincheck cos I was really tired.

I wonder what place he was talking about.

***

Today is just not the day. With barely a hint of makeup and a heavy heart, I just want to slip into oblivion and wish my existence is barely noticeable.

I am just freaking glad that my colleague manages to get some 3G network and kindly offer this place of solace for me.

And I would like to dedicate this entry to someone I have never met, never seen, never knew, who possibly went through the worst possible decision in a courageous manner.

Just wanna let you know.. my thoughts were with you throughout, and I wish I could have helped more, be there for you more. As much as I had wanted to speak to you, I didn’t have the chance to…

He will be there for you. Have a good cry and find peace in Him.

It is almost deja vu for me. There is much I would want to say, but words fail me at this moment.

And don’t look back. There is bound to be regrets… but don’t let them damage you further than things already have.

Somehow as I am typing this, I… feel a surge of emotions that moist my eyes.

I couldn’t help but read back my archives in May 2006, the 11 May would have been the day I terminated Minibean’s chances of becoming who she is today… She was 11 weeks then.

I feel like heading for home and hide under my duvet now.