Just another new year.It is no good to start the new year feeling vulnerable.

And the disappointment from yesterday lingers.

I wanna thank everyone who made it possible.

I wanna thank everyone who turned up to share the joyous occasion.

I am sorry that I was a bad host.

Now I know why there is a need for partners and in-laws, or parents.

Haha, so that when the mother is nursing, there could still be other people mingling with the crowd.

Or there could still be someone to document the event with pictures taking.

Or sending off guests.

Or cleaning up.

Sorry Minibean aka Mummy’s little warrior, Mummy didn’t pictorialise this milestone of yours the way I intended, and that I disrupted your feedings times once too often yesterday that it probably pissed you off. Heh.

Oh, anyone with pictures of yesterday? Heh, please kindly send me cos they are the only pictures taken of her with you guys, and I would love to keep them.

And for a lot of other faces, you were missed.

Maybe I had assumed attendance or something when they didn’t reply the messages or message me yesterday…

Maybe something went wrong in between, but I didn’t try find out why they didn’t turn up.

So many things just slipped my mind yesterday.

But many things didn’t.

***

At the stroke of midnight, I was feeding her for the first time with milk powder. Anticipated that I wouldn’t even have the time to express yesterday, so I had to prepare milk powder in advance.

I had a bunch of darlings I love, who actually could have better plans than to stuck at my place with me cos I couldn’t go anyway to countdown with me.

A toast to the new year, a girly hug. Life’s contentment is about such.

I started the new year without the help of my confinement lady.

Perhaps the little one wasn’t used to not having her around, she was unusually cranky yesterday night.

I didn’t manage to get her to sleep till 3 plus or 4, which by then, I was already exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.

It wasn’t that I was tired or busy. I did want to join in the card games the rest were playing when I finally managed to get her to sleep, but it seemed rather extra of me to do so when there was already 4 players. I looked at them from the sides as I sat on the couch. It was weird, but I had never felt more alone.

Uncle Jer assumed I was tired, so I thought I would leave them to their game and went into the room.

The day kept replaying in my head, and I wished there were areas I could have done better.

I looked on to her, and wondered if I had shortchanged her much. I got even stressed with my dipping milk supply.

A cuddle, a goodnight kiss, and another one(“Give her a kiss for me”, said he), before I drifted off after I exhausted myself enough.

Despite her crankiness before she slept, she gave me a very easy time last night, and I actually woke up past 12 noon(wah! 8 hours of sleep!) today with 2 short feeding breaks in the night. Once, I fell asleep whilst cuddling her, as she suckled me. And the next time she woke up when still in my arms, she just searched for it instinctively, presumably when I was still half asleep.

Quite honestly, it was the first time I bathed her today, and I am grateful it went on without any mishaps.

The hardest part was leaving her to cry when getting her milk ready, or when I had to get ready the bathing essentials.

I enjoyed the time I spent with her today, changing her, bathing her, washing her feeding equipment, packing the house a little, and getting her meals ready.

So much so that I didn’t even have the chance to shower, eat, or drink. Or even pump.

It is almost amazing I could squeeze in this entry here.

***

The funny thing is, people get the blues when too busy to juggle in between chores when baby is crying.

And for me, I spent a good hour tearing today as she slept quietly and peacefully.

It was a sucky, frustrated feeling.

Ah well, I am looking forward to a nice shower, that would perhaps wash the blues away.