Have been hiding for a while.But what will come, will come.

Today I spent the most time with her since last week, and I realised how much I have missed out in just a week.

I believe a part of me did try to distant myself from her, so it would make tomorrow’s parting a little easier.

And yes, I have learnt so much in the bank that never sleeps too.

In just a week, the corporate environment already teaches me so much more. And the journey has been bumpy, yet enjoyable so far.

Except that Minibean is constantly in my thoughts, as I wonder if I had failed as a mother, even at such an early stage.

For a moment, I wonder would I be slipping into the dreaded tot-blues. Trust me, when you have to morph yourselves into different characters to take on the world, you really don’t know who you are anymore.

You might even be fearful of yourselves.

The week hadn’t been mean to me in terms of business wise, learning wise, getting to know new friends wise, learning to cope with politics wise, ahem.. men-wise, yet something just doesn’t feel right.

Oh well, except that I feel like crap when I started a slight cough on Monday, which turned into a tummy-muscle-toning relentless cough on Tuesday, which evolved into a sore throat on Wednesday, and by Thursday, I woke up with a fever and my voice was almost irrecognisable and was a tone of husky. Throw in a dripping nose which wouldn’t stop running.

It was bad. Really bad.

Bad, because I couldn’t go near her at all.

I haven’t been spending much time with her, except on Thursday, when I wrapped a clean nappy around my face(cos I couldn’t find a mask) to breastfeed her.

And I haven’t been pumping out much milk. So, yeah, my milk supply is greatly affected by stress, work, and not-so-healthy diet.

My appetite was affected by my cough, since I would cough till the food would be puked out.

No internet access.

Cannot blog about so many people.

Bleah.

And I find myself pushing the world away so I could struggle to stand up on my own.

I awe myself with my own stubborn-ness at times.

I just wanna escape…..

All these brew into a mother of all tantrums, and a poor guy had to endure through the entire wild mood swing from yours truly, despite he had very gentlemanly accompanied me on the train and walked me to the gates of my apartment. And not forgetting trying to perk me up with some dinner cos I wasn’t feeling too well.

With me giving him death stares and silent protests most of the evening.

I was harsh enough to say, ‘You know, you possess this impossible talent to get me on my nerves.’

I got home, thought about Minibean’s arrangements, and I… just cried.

And I even avoided SBB‘s calls that Thursday night, simply because.. I wanna run away.

But his call did make it better, though I always wonder why he seems to have the special radar to my mood swings.

Eh, you install surveillance camera here huh?

I don’t know how I survived the week.

But I managed to start talking to more people, though sometimes I put myself in dangerous positions simply because I speak what I feel too much.

You know it is bad when colleagues tell you, ‘It is okay to say that to me, but don’t ever tell other people that about yourself.’

Not one. Not two. But three. Or four.

And to my mega surprise, after movie with FF and Potato on Wednesday, FF told me I give guys the impression that I need protection(uhm.. NOT with regards to how Minibean comes about).

And my colleague who is like a father-figure to me, told me the exact same thing on Friday, when I lamented to him how all guys should be buried and never see daylight because they tend to over-protect me when I don’t need(I think).

He should understand such angst. He is a father of 4 girls. Hehehehe.

(Nahbeh, Mr SBB just called and faked his voice until I didn’t recognise it. Sounded like some pervert calling me in the middle of the night cos of his poor mandarin. Argh)

Had lunch with a couple of male colleagues on Tuesday.

Met a customer on Wednesday and closed a case.

Returned to work on Thursday late since it wasn’t my duty. It was actually quite a nice opportunity to open up and talk to some of my new colleagues.

I went to SRC to meet up with my manager to do some training, and discussed about how the project went and such. My CEO recognised me and I felt more pressure to perform.

Had dinner when a colleague asked me out for dinner, which unleashed my grouchiness.

I am starting to wonder if I could push all these to… PMS. I mean er… I still haven’t gotten my period….. right?

Friday. Work. Lunch. Got drenched in the rain. Boon Kiat and I gotten a couple of brollies cos we saw 4 bankers were still stuck in Plaza Singapura. Back to office for meeting. Shared a cab with Mun Hoe back to the west. Spoke to a colleague over the phone, before I ended the night with a game of mahjong.

I didn’t leave office till 4.30pm on Saturday.

I walked aimlessly and I found myself standing at the ground floor of the building where my church is.

I went up, and it was filled with familiar faces – those of the youths.

There was a service at 5pm.

Familiar faces. Oddly felt out-of-place.

I stayed, despite the want to run away yet again.

I had dinner with a couple of the youths, before I returned to office to do some paperworks.

It was nice. I finally broke the ice with them… kinda.

(SBB is on the phone now, and he asked about her IC number, in which he responded, ‘Oh, she is the youngest person I know. And oh, she is the youngest person I know related to me.’ What the… very the lame.)

I left office to meet Vamp at around 10pm.

Had dinner.. again.

Had ice cream.

Watched Babel.

Returned home in the rain.

Today. Woke up met my ex-boyfriend who doesn’t look a bit different from 6 years ago. Had wanted to transfer my phone to my name finally, but the wait would take 2 hours.

So I went to get a new phone from M1 instead.

So, Motorola V3 Scarlet(Red), is what I got.

Not bad. My first handphone purchase… in.. er…. 7 years?

I so proud of curbing my urge to change new phones.

My old phone died on me after soaked in some water by the sink, and I have many numbers in my phone memory instead of my SIM card.

Damn.

Memories were also deleted.

And it is almost funny how I couldn’t see what I saw in him back then.

I felt a bit unwell.

Got back home and the girlies dropped by. FF, JD, with her princess, who was utterly lovely.

She pinned my hair up for me when I was breastfeeding Minibean and cleaning her ear at the same time.

It’s very cold tonight.

I miss her already.