We all know how the phrase ‘blood is thicker than water’ works. I do not deny that my morale has been spiralling each day with more fear growing.. and I could feel myself engulf in endless fears, some of which make perfect sense, and some, just don’t make any.

Occasionally, I braced myself for the false alarms of labour, which were just mild cases of indigestion.

Much of the week had breezed past in a blur, though I remember how helpless I had felt on Monday night, after I had toppled a glass container of bird’s nest. It spilt onto three tiers of the fridge, and gloriously cascaded down onto the kitchen floor.

The kitchen was a big mess.

Before I could even decide what to do, an army of ants was eagerly approaching the dripping pool of protein, and I could only stand there in a daze, not knowing what to do.

I told SBB I would call him back in a totally defeated tone, before I started an hour of major clean-up.

At 12 midnight, no less.

It took half a roll of paper towel, with me on my all 4s, half an hour, before I soaked up the gooey mess.

But much of it had sept underneath the fridge, and I tried to move the fridge that refused to give in.

Eventually, the floor was dried up with me crawling on it to wipe up the mess, with a coat of stickiness attracting the hungry ants.

I marched into the bathroom near the laundry area to get a hose, and started flooding the entire kitchen with water, hoping to wash out the mess underneath the fridge, and to make sure that the kitchen would be clean enough, I doused a cup of floor detergent onto the floor as I sprayed the kitchen with the hose.

It was then, I felt so defeated, helpless, and useless(why the hell was I so blardy clumsy, I couldn’t stop reprimanding myself), that I just wanted to collapse onto the wet, flooded floor as a surrendering sign.

I didn’t. I then skated around the kitchen, sweeping the excess water into the drainage, before giving it a good mop.

I just didn’t feel like speaking to anyone after that. All I had, was ample anger towards myself.

***

I spent my Saturday night with lotsa lovely ladies.

FF and Wanyi accompanied me to IKEA to look at some furnitures, and we had meatballs.

I know it is incredible, but it was the first time I had tried the meatballs at IKEA.

I was indecisive over what to get though.

Wanyi had brought some baby clothes out for me, but because I had to meet another couple of friends in town for a movie, she insisted on lugging them back home for me.

She had to endure a tiring and long bus ride back to the east, and I tell ya, she is really an amazing friend to have.

Yesterday, she told me she had hand-washed those clothes for me too.

You are going to make me cry, darling.

***

I met up with Wenmei and Roumin at Cineleisure for The Prestige right after IKEA.

We spent most of the evening cheering one of the babes up.

We sat around Cafe Cartel and caught up a little, and I bumped into Eugene, Ian, and his girlfriend.

I truly liked the show, and I found myself fascinated by Hugh Jackman the human elements of the show.

Somehow, it reminded me of a conversation I had with VampTreSS today over dinner.

Competitive nature of human, and the spitefulness that sometimes comes together with it that can be so awfully scary.

***

We adjourned to Clarke Quay’s Hooters for chicken wings, and later to Cafe Iguana to chill.

I had nice company for the night, and I was glad to be hanging out with them.

Gary very nicely dropped me off near 6th Avenue, before I hailed a cab home at close to 3am.

***

My bored Sunday was relieved by a mahjong session with the lads.

***

I returned to office on Monday, did some work in the office before I walked down the streets to Spize for dinner.

I sat there, not wanting to move.

It was just that I didn’t want to head home.

I sat there for the longest time.

I just wanted to stay out.

I watched the cars go by.

Eventually, I jumped on a cab to head home after the guys suggested mahjong.

The moment I got on the cab, they cancelled it…

And I cursed Leslie for not informing me earlier or else I wouldn’t have taken a cab.

***

Do you ever have the fear of picking up the phone, or to make a phone call?

So much that, the only time you dare to do so is when you are out in the open, where there are people?

***

My manager dropped by on Tuesday night to help fix lights to the 3 rooms of my apartment.

I was so touched when I got back home(I had left him to fix the lights and rushed out for an appointment at 10pm) and I saw a piece of paper towel taped to the wall ‘And then.. There was light!‘

I flicked the switch, and the round latern glowed to life.

For the first time in 11 years, the light switch did its magic.

***

I had wanted to make it a prospecting appointment on Tuesday night.

It was scheduled to be at 9.30pm, before it was changed to 10, and subsequently, when 10.15pm.

I reached there not wanting to be late, but then we changed the location to somewhere near my place, and I took the bus back to where I came from.

I had supper and sat around.

I just didn’t… feel like heading home.

It was half past 11 when he finally turned up.

Somehow, I was just lost in my world of thoughts that, I was comfortable of just catching up.

Some past memories caught up with me, cos this referral, was someone whom I haven’t met for 9 years since graduation.

He mentioned names of people who stirred up lotsa emotions within me.

I was comfortable enough not to talk shop, cos I thought that could leave till some other time.

It was quaintly nice…

***

Wednesday.. was a blank.

***

Today.. was interesting.

I started the day with the weekly ADT class, before I left for Marina Square in the rain to do some baby shopping for Minibean.

I bought her something from Mothercare sale, and I wanted to get some nursing bras.

But I think I am too small. Boohoo. Smallest sized ones didn’t fit me.

I wanted to get some nightdress for easy feeding to wear at the hospital, but couldn’t find the cheap spaghetti-strapped dress I was looking for.

Eventually, my hours of walking around drained me, but I didn’t get what I wanted.

I walked over to Suntec, and still, no positive results.

Janise was also at Suntec, and we met up at NYDC, caught up a little, before we walked to La Senza….

I saw something which was close to what I was looking for, but it was a short teddy, instead of a dress.

I could almost imagine myself prancing about in the hospital with my hips swaying in the short, short nightie, and it wasn’t such a pretty sight.

But the bathrobe was nicceeeee and it could almost double up as a jacket to keep me warm in the hospital.

But, as usual, I browse, never buy.

No wonder my baby shopping is never done!

***

I walked back to the MRT station and dropped by VampTreSS’ office.

The forgetful me left my handphone behind in her office when we left, and we had to go back to retrieve it after Jeremy had drove us away from the building.

Uh oh.

We had dinner after that at Hong Kong Cafe in the East, and did some catching up over noodles and desserts.

Some stuff perturbed me through the evening, and I couldn’t quite figure out why, some people, whom you deem as friends, would rather gloat and see you fail, whilst some other strangers, would display so much more kindness than they do.

They sent me back home to the West, and it was on the car, when Mom called.

***

This time round, she had called, because my aunt(her sister), called her up.

Remember how I had met up with my cousin who had also joined the financial advisory industry?

I think he had seen what was obvious, but didn’t make any comments about it the last time we met.

He had went back to tell his mom about it.

I had called her a day after our meetup, to send my regards to her, and I remember her telling me to drop by for dinner some time. I was very grateful but said I would be busy and that Tampines is a tad too far.

I think she already knew back then, but didn’t dare to ask me.

But there is a distinctive difference this time.

Family.

Even the tone in Mom’s voice was significantly different. There was even a tinge of excitement in her voice.

She told me aunt had heard about it from my cousin, and she didn’t dare to ask me. And it took her a while till now to ask my mom about it.

She told Mom to tell me to drop by so she could cook for me, and that when Minibean comes along, do inform her so she could visit me at the hospital.

Mom had initially wanted to suggest aunt to take care of Minibean, but I really don’t want to trouble her.

And putting Minibean under someone else’s care(in another part of the world country somemore!) wasn’t my intention at all.

Mom said though she wouldn’t be around since she couldn’t come into Singapore, at least my aunt would be around, and if I need any help, I could always call them up.

Mom then asked about my financial situation(I told a white lie about getting ‘maintanence fees’ so she wouldn’t worry), and if I had contacted the confinement nanny.

She was adamant that I should take good care of my health whilst recovering, and I should rest more. She even asked my aunt to come visit me to make sure I am going to recover well.

She then nagged me to finish up with my preparations because ‘First born somemore female, will come early one!’.

‘When I had you, you were 2 or 3 weeks early okay!’

Oooo.. so I was an early baby. I would have been borned after 20th March 1981.

But damn, cannot 2 or 3 weeks early!

If Minibean is born 3 weeks early…………….

That would mean……..

….. LIKE NOW?!

NoooOoOooOooOoOoOooOooOoOooOooOoo.

Be good my girl, be good. Let me get the things packed, get the things ready…..

Breathe, Ting, breathe.

***

She asked about Minibean’s well being, and how I have been feeling.

She told me how she had bought the yellow wine for cooking, and the vinegar… blarblarblar.

She told me I must, must bring Minibean back to visit her.

***

She followed up with a call when I got home, and started telling me that maybe one of my cousins(her brother’s daughter) could drop by to do part-time cleaning since she has been doing so for other people.

She suggested that I should go back to work only after Chinese New Year, and she was pretty taken aback when I told her I don’t intend to have a full-time nanny to take care of Minibean. She had thought I would put Minibean with those overnight nannies so I could carry on working.

‘Are you sure you wanna take care? Not easy one you know?’

‘Duh, then I keep her for what if I wanna leave her with someone else?’

‘Must be patient… she cries you cannot panic.’

She then started to tell me to chill more because of the threat of post-partum depression(Mom, if you nag me less, it is less likely to happen).

I think she is so concerned is because….

…. she will be away in China holidaying with my Dad in 2 weeks’ time and wouldn’t be around.

Eee yer, they damn happening man.

***

Me asked SBB just now, ‘Hmm, so were you an early baby?‘

‘Hmm.. don’t know. Afternoon I guess.‘

‘………………………………….. I MEANT IF YOU WERE BORN EARLIER THAN YOUR DUE DATE, NOT IF YOU WERE BORN EARLY IN THE MORNING!‘

‘Orh.. Uhm.. Hahahaha. Learn how to phrase your question!’

Roar.

Minibean better inherit my brains.

***

I can’t help but wonder, if one day Minibean reads what I write here, will she cringe in embarrassment and go.. ‘Eeewwww Mum….’

***

The great thing about family is, I could feel the honest concern coming through from my aunt, my cousin(the day after we met, he smsed me ‘If anything you need help, be it work or personal, feel free to come to me’), and how my Mom has been wanting to be a part of it though she cannot be physically around me.

And despite my occasional laments about her(possibly because what she says does affect me because what she thinks matters to me), these little things mean to me so much more.

Just like the other day, Dad told me the water heater in his room had broken down and he had switched off its main.

He is not going to get it replaced yet because, ‘Wait after baby is born.. don’t want to knock here and there now.’

It is Chinese superstition that heavy maintanence work that involves knocking, hammering, excessive banging and such(even moving of furnitures) is to be avoided if someone in the household is pregnant.

Dad, is one of the least superstitious elders I know, and yet, this time, he is not taking any chances.

Thank you.

I know. I feel.