Yet another toilet break that has kept me up longer than it should.The past hour has been spent tossing and turning(flipping over from side to side is no mean feat), unable to shut off the random thoughts which are sifting in and out of my mind.
I am tired, nauseous, and I want my sleep.
A phone call that came in on Friday night is the justification of why I have shied away from blogging for a while.
It was Mom.
She sounded rather strange though it was just like any other routine call to ask about the preparations and stuff.
And finally, she asked, and it wasn’t something that I deem unexpected.
“Eh Ting, you went online(with regards to this particular space) and told the world that you are going to be an unwed mother?”
“Yup.” Crisp and short. I didn’t bother to elaborate as she was trying to gauge my response.
Almost grumbling, she lamented, “Why did you have to do that? Like that nice for all to see meh?”
I stayed quiet for a while, not because of guilt, but because I know she simply doesn’t get it.
“I don’t intend to hide for all my life, so if that’s the truth, then face up to it, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Then what do you expect? That someone one day finds out somehow, and then I slap myself in the face cos I had been obviously lying?”
I could sense the sarcasm in her voice and the words ‘disgrace’, ‘loss of face’, ‘gossips’ hanging loose on her tip of her tongue, and the slight anger that I had brought her shame.
She was at a loss for words.
My parting shot was an assertive, and an almost rude one.
“You know, if you think this is too much for you and that I have shamed you, you can always have the option to deny that it was me, and that I am your daughter, you know? You don’t have to acknowledge me or her. I don’t need that from you either.”
Apparently, some gossip mongers concerned auntie from(oh get this) the neighbourhood I had grew up in, had called her up earlier and asked her about this.
The neighbourhood which I had moved away almost 12 years ago.
She was my next door neighbour, and like my Mom, she is not internet savvy, and doesn’t understand English either.
So, I can only assume that someone, perhaps her one of her children(who are around my age), or other neighbours’ children have chanced upon my blog, and been lurking since forever. Perhaps when he/she had passed on the information, the intention wasn’t for this to happen, or then again, it is too juicy a gossip fodder to miss.
In a way, hello there, cos it is always nice to know that there is someone from my past having absolute concern about my life, though I why doesn’t he/she establish contact.
I don’t know if the auntie had meant well, or was she trying to throw in a sneer or two. It could have been twisted interpretation of what was written here, twisted on my Mom’s part since she’s already hostile to the fact that someone found out.
And I don’t want to twist the could-have-been twisted intention of the person who had graced here, and decided to share the “joy”.
Yes, I would be very happy if you are happy for me, or even want to give me an encouraging word or two.
In fact, if you want to email me(sorry to some of you guys, I WILL reply, give me some time), give me your 2 cents worth, chide me, reprimand me, or just to say hello, I sincerely welcome that too.
But at this moment, there are some things I don’t need.
And even if it was one of the children who told their mother, the mother is damn kaypo to go call your mum and ask about you. None of her business what.
It is extremely difficult if your own family don’t show you support. No need physical, you know. Just some moral support will do just fine.
I have no right to judge ur mum but you know what, I know you are a mum who is going to be a million times better than her. At the very least, u do not feel ashamed of Minibean. And no, we readers are never ashamed of you as well. In fact, I am proud of you. *hugz*
You have the right to be upset but try not to let this affect you nor your rest. Do not be bothered by someone who is not bothered by you, you know what I am trying to say? Love those who love you. I am sure your mum loves you but I have to agree that this time round, she carried things abit too far. Don’t allow anyone to shame you nor Minibean.
Be strong. This is the last lap already. Hang in there!
All aunties are like that. -_- Kaypoh like anything. Next door neighbour’s kid’s dog’s friend’s owner’s sister’s boyfriend also their business.
BAH.
FF: Indeed, they are the kind who are pretty gossipy in the neighbourhood last time despite their niceness(well, my mum is one of them too. Karma, baby, karma).
Fitti: They do show me support, only until.. the term ‘mian zi’ is involved. But I don’t believe in sweeping it under the carpet, though the elder folks would beg to differ.
I think it is bound to affect me in some ways or another, and I am starting to feel bad days more than good, which is not a good sign(ahhh noooooo, i dun was post partum blues).
Yeap.. the last lap. Can’t wait to touch the wall but yet so scared of the sprint forward.
Sam: Of course, haha, now, I wonder how my auntiehood would be like.
You’re a great Mummy!
I just happened upon your blog, and I think you are brave to endure this life experience all on your own. You will be a great mom!
Hello Miss Ting.
All i can say is, much respect and take care.
Don’t blame your mum. She comes from that part of society that has yet to accept this.
A mother will only have good intentions for her kids. It’s the choice of words or actions that fail them …
saw u in town the other day.. your tummy looks so small.. and u look prettier now though.. u’re a tough mummy indeed~ =)
be strong! its just the beginning..
hugz~
If you think you are right, then you are right. If you think you are right, and are standing up for what you think is right, then I will always be behind you.
The elderly are always more old-fashioned, so don’t mind what they say ya. Do take care of yourself.
U’re incredibly brave to have chosen to walk down this road.
Sometimes I wish that I could have been half as brave as you.
I pray that you’ll find peace and strength in every step that you take.
Have a break
Have a bird’s nest! (no, not kitkat)
=)
Bernice: I wouldn’t know until many years down the road yuh?
Anonymous: Not brave at all! I am scared stiff really!
Wombok: Hello Wombok. You give me too much credits. Definitely will take care, and you there, too.
Waverley: I guess I am just affected by what she says, but I can see where she is coming from. I am sure she doesn’t feel good about me walking down this path either, but just that her concerns this time round is just … a little off.
Anonymous: Is it? Some people thought it’s big, some thought it’s small. It’s having identity crisis right now! Heh. I would suppose you saw me at Cineleisure?
Faith: I do think what I am doing is right, though it jus irks me when people just have to get us down.
Just random rambling here. And in a snap of fingers, I would have my mind on other things
Anonymous: Nooo….! The bravery part is so not true. Though I have to admit that the peace and strength has came through in ways I have not figured out where it came from.
And now, I need more of them more than ever.
And I thank you for your prayers.
Insanityiscreativity: Don’t remind me of bird’s nest..
I spilled a container of them onto the fridge and floor and it took me an hour last midnight to clean it up.
On all fours, no less.
I am so clumsy that I felt so helpless and useless.
nah.. saw u at raffles city.. hehh.. u were in black.. maybe thats y it looks small.. =)
You’re the only judge for yourself. The others around you can encourage, comment or criticise, but you’re the only one that can pass the verdict.
Maybe the older generation has a slightly different set of values or perceptions compared to us, but for me, what i see in you is love personified – your love for minibean.
Hi Ting,
I chanced upon your blog when I was blog hopping one day and had since been a regular reader. Just wanted to say that the key reason why I keep coming back is Minibean and the fact that I envy her – for you are a brave gal and she would be so loved. Keep your chin up for Minibean and please continue to share both your lives with us as it would a source of great encouragement to many out there.
Anonymous: Ah.. I think I know which day. Yeap, black is flattering. =D
Missy: Nods nods.I guess to me, it is because I don’t want her to go through the sense of rejection I had when I was younger.
Anonymous: You definitely will see her , and I, grow through here
Thanks for sharing part of my, and soon, our lives.
hello!! hehz im some student studying in london andhave been reading ur blog. i think u are awfully brave, please dont be bothered by what others think of u- you don’t seem like the kind who have cared so far, so don’t be now! do take care though, and good luck with everything!