I shall hereby declare I am one such.

For the past week, I had commited all the worst fashion sins, ever!

Anyway, I got the shock of my life when I woke up to find my lips a ghostly shade of purple and chapped.

I must get my chapstick the moment I hit town.

I wasn’t quite in the mood to dress up for Christmas, and imagine how I had spent Christmas’ Eve at a party(in which Denise Keller was there too) in a bland singlet, jeans, sneakers(the horror!), and are you ready for this, in glasses and makeupless.

-GASP IN HORROR-

Yet, on Christmas day when we were supposed to hole up at someone’s place, I was in a skirt, cos I thought it would be airy. Muahahaha.

Hurhurhur, I shan’t mention how on boxing day, I went to Orchard, yes, a planned trip, in my home shorts, tee(gee! Not even a spaghetti top!), flip flops, makeupless and in glasses.

I shan’t mention how the home shorts were threatening to slide down since it’s a pair of draw string one.

The look on Peining’s face was priceless when I called out to her, when I saw her on an escalator.

Her boyfriend was with her, and I said hi.

I asked if he remembered me, cos we had met in Attica once.

I spotted the slight shock in him.

Peining couldn’t stop repeating how ‘Oh my, you’ve changed!’.

Uhm.

Alright.

I wore a turtle-neck top in Singapore just the other day, when there’s no winter here.

I shall not mention how I am actually wearing a skirt right now, dressed in my taitai ensemble of black, bling-blings in the form of silvery watch and rings, and strappy heels.

Oh, and a Gucci bag in tow(well, I need more storage space today to ferry my book around, ya see?).

Throw in a beige wooven shawl.

Face tainted by war-paint.

Woo.

Sounds good?

Wait till you see the bright yellow, Rossi helmet in my hand as I sashay onto the MRT, screaming for the awkward attention.

Please pretend you don’t know me, or else I might raise my helmet and smash it across your face cos I am secretly hoping no one would give an extra glance just because of the odd combination.

As if I care, cos all I am bothered about is getting a free ride from Ali, my chauffeur for the day.

***

Nick was supposed to give me a ride to Roy’s place later tonight but he has a company dinner.

My search for a savior took form when I realised Brian is in town too.

Phew.

Or else how the hell am I supposed to find the God-knows-where place Roy is staying.

So, I messaged Nick to tell him, Hey Ahmad! It’s okay, I found Ali, and I could go there earlier with the cake.

I don’t know from where, he said, Moh-ahmad-ali.

Then I recall that the only other person in the group who had pillioned me before, is actually Harry.

So he shall be Moh, I joked.

But hey, Harry’s nickname is Maomao, so now, it’s Mao-Ahmad-Ali.

So lame, I know.

That’s what happens when you hang out too much with Mao, Ahmad and Ali.

One of my Christmas presents to myself is to surgically reduce my plump lips.

Yeah, right.

I don’t even have the financial means for that.

Anyway, my lips are suffering from the lack of attention these days.

Uh-uh. I am not saying that they are not put into good use(hmmm.. then again, they haven’t been working much anyway), nor am I saying that they are not pecked, nibbled, teased, licked, sucked, bit, and smothered with affections enough(which again, is not untrue).

No, no. Please do not view the above paragraph with sleaze-filled contempt.

I am saying that my lips have fell victims to my doofu-ism.

Some weeks ago, I lost my favourite Dior Addict 151 lipgloss, shortly after my dad had purchased me a new Dior Addict 181(which I didn’t quite like as much).

I blamed in on the petty 151, which probably went on a strike and left me in a fit of anger, thinking that I have a new pet out of 181, and it is losing its spot on my favourites-list.

Jealousy is such a tricky issue, eh?

Tsk tsk.

The truth is, 151, I have always adored you over 181, ya know?

I was so devastated when you left, not because of your 30 bucks worth, ya know?

Sigh.

Nevermind.

Earlier this month, on a late-night trip to Mustafa with SBB, he had kindly foot for the yellow Mentholatum chapstick I had wanted to buy to condition and sooth my grossly chapped lips.

When I had left it over at Nick’s place, he had brought it out with him when we met up on the 17th, Saturday.

And I lost it on the very spot at T.C.C., after he had returned it to me.

Feeling frustrated, I got myself a new tube the very next day, cos I couldn’t stand licking dry and rough lips.

Within a week, it was shortened by a centimeter.

I was flabbergasted when I failed to locate it in my bag just couple of days ago.

Presumably, it had fell out of my bag as I was looking for something.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

And I never had any problems losing my stuff, ya know?

Yes, I know it seems almost impossible to you guys that a clumsy and forgetful person like me had never quite lose her stuff.

Then, the new tooth-paste-like tube of lipgloss that gives me shiny, non glittery lips, which I had gotten on the 23rd, mysteriously went missing after SBB and I went out for a short coffee session at Starbucks in River Valley yesterday.

Which supposedly slipped out of my bag.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have a feeling all my lippys get tired and exhausted for the extensive work they were put through.

So now, I have no lip balm.

No non-glittery moisturising lipgloss.

My lips are ugly, and undesirable. The no longer look nice when they wrap around SBB‘s …smile, pout, scowl, or whatever.

Boohoohoo.

But, I shall be glad that the it wasn’t my key that fell out of my bag.

Nor my wallet.

Gee.

I shall be hunting for better lip balms tomorrow.

Maybe I shouldn’t, seeing how often they go missing these days.

Angry like a potato, I tell you!

No, no. Like a banana!

Argh.. no! Tomato.

***

Happy birthday, Roy!

You’re an old man now.

Woohoo!

I had wanted to listen to this song.

When I switched my MP3 player on, it is no wonder that the first song was exactly the one I had in mind.

It read my mind. Hurhurhur.

If only I could just think of 4 digits, and it would be a set that would make me a rich, and, very beautiful(think liposuction, rhinoplasty, botox and boob job) lady.

***

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don’t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don’t we go
Somewhere only we know?

***

It is one of those cranky nights I feel a tad unwell.

Not sure if it was of the things that are happening around me, triggering the chain of thoughts that would lock me up further into the realms of helplessness.

After a brief phone call with SBB which ended around half past 2, I spoke to a pal of mine over MSN.

Slightly tipsy, was he.

Launched into a rather solemn topic, and we continued on the conversation over the phone, with him sounding rather sloshed.

001 call, not cheap okay?

Okay, that wasn’t the point.

He spoke of his 5-years relationship, and how it had reached a stalemate, going nowhere.

Quite strangely, I have heard a strangely similar conversation not once, not twice, but many times, recently.

Someone, once told me how he feels no love for his 6-years girlfriend.

Same with another in a 5-years relationship.

Same with another in a 6-years one.

4 years.

Such and such.

For me, it is slightly inconceivable, since I had never quite drag on a long-term relationship just simply because I feel nothing for the person anymore.

Even after 3 years, when I broke up with Mr Ex, I still felt abundant of feelings for him. We were still affectionate to the very last minute of our relationship, the exact point where we sliced those affections and intimacy of touch cleanly for good.

The after-effects were hard to deal.

Such and such.

The same old stories of relationships gone bad, what’s new?

It was always the point of devastation that drives us to the brink of breakdown, and the drastic measures we take to deal with the blow.

Thus, we loathe confrontations, and are cowards when it comes to overcoming the perils of relationships.

I realise how it has something to do with our pride.

Sense of loss, too.

Or how things are not going our ways, following our cues, or such.

How we may not be truly loving the other party that drove us to such stupidity irrationalism.

Something SBB and I spoke about, last night.

I said something about pride. About how we had always held ourselves with high regards, and when we lost the control over our predicaments, we wanna try everything we could to resume control.

Sometimes, with our stubborn ways.

Sometimes, when we move on, we might realise we did many things not out of love, but selfishness.

We are miserable, and we want others to be in misery with us, too.

Cos, we can’t deal with it alone.

Oh, add that to how loneliness is unbearable.

Call me a cynic, but I really realise that in this world, no one is indispensable. They are perhaps irreplaceable, but no one will die from not having the other.

But seriously, I guess I have became somewhat cold. I have to. There are some things I never would want to put myself through again. Nor do I allow myself to.

I know I would hate to lose many people in my life, whom I wish I would never have to let go, but I know, with experiences, nothing is for certain, and I have learnt to brace myself for the fall, everytime I get myself into a mess.

Is SBB one of those messes I am implying? You go figure yourself.

Hurhurhur.

Then again, when the other party is miserable, it stings us too.

And perhaps all these are just too much to bear, and that’s something that would not push us to make a decision that would throw us into a blender with all of those lethal emotions and reactions.

Friend just now mentioned how it was a responsibility for him, something he feels is not love, yet something that makes him go on.

How odd.

Friend N was telling us the exact same thing some couple of months ago during one of those coffee-session, that he doesn’t feel love for his girlfriend anymore, yet he feels that he can’t let go taking care of her.

Friend M was telling me how he feels no desire nor love for his girlfriend, and that he was bored, yet it was the friendship that is too precious to lose.

Friend L was telling me how she feels since it’s already so long, might as well go on cos it is hard to let go a part of her life, which has been there for so long, and that’s why they could never have a clean break.

Friend K was telling me how he was suffocating with her ways, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to bring up the notion of breaking up, cos he was afraid of pushing her into a state of devastation as he walked away. She might crumble, he was afraid.

A lady came along, and he dumped her.

Friend J was telling me how it was a way of life she had grown accustom to, and it is just the way it is.

All of the above told me they were all going nowhere, and they know it very well.

I am not sure, really.

I am sure all know what they really want to do, but there is no trigger for them to justify what they wanna do, and yet do not want to face a confrontation, which things might potentially turn ugly.

And for selfish reasons.

The sense of loss, especially.

Imagine how someone who has been taking care some aspects of your life you have been too lazy to do so, and it is just convenient to have such a person around, since he or she would do it for you willingly.

We are all selfish, and why not?

Stale it might be, though monotonous, it is not creating huge ripples that is too much for one to take.

I mean really. If I have a washing machine in the house, though it might not be the newest and sleekest model, I wouldn’t throw it away simply just because it is taking up space.

Unless it is breaking down too often, and it gets difficult to maintain it.

Or maybe, when someone gives me a new one for Christmas.

Or maybe, when it has to give way to put the spanking, large-ass fridge, which would fulfil other aspects, but wouldn’t allow space to accomodate the washing machine.

I am not so sure if it was me in such a position, I would have the courage to do what I think is right.

People are afraid of changes, so do I.

Perhaps I would look forward to the exciting days of being single, but at the end of it, I would wonder if I would be able find someone else who would share my life in that same way or not. Process is often long, and without much positive qualities to boost, it might be a huge difficulty for me, you know?

Or I would wonder if I would potentially lose someone who had been a part of a huge fraction of my life. Or worse, a friend I know I would love to keep in the future.

Or I would wonder if I have any topics to bring up, any Christmas gifts, Valentine’s gift to compare during the next girlie outing.

Or I would wonder if I would feel out of place, lonely and unwanted when everyone around me is nuzzling their loved ones on the cheeks.

Or I would wonder if I would be able to stop drifting, and find peace in settling down.

Philip once asked if I was afraid to let him go despite being utterly unhappy when I was with him last year, simply because I fear I might find no other man who would ever fall for me, or the search would be difficult.

I sobbed. Yeap, my self-esteem was a major problem, and till today, I don’t deny the fact that it was one of my fears.

See! More than one year on, I am still single!

Muahahahahaha.

Ah well.

I wonder if it is the end of the year, that make people evaluate what they really want.

And the vicious cycle will continue, into the end of next year, when a mundane routine repeats itself, until we get too old, too exhausted, too lazy to make any changes.

Who knows, all of the above might end up signing on the contract, for a simple reason of convenience.

Until someone who stir those emotions, and make them feel alive again.

By then, it might already be too late to back out, and situations get messy.

Who am I to say?

I just wish all of you happiness. Stay well, people.

And take the leap of faith, to do what you think is right.