Was in town yesterday evening, meeting a couple of bruised souls.

And I know, they are not the only ones around me, going through the rough patches in life these days.

Somehow, they are the very ones who loaned me some strength to deal with my predicament these days.

Nothing much for me to say, really.

Except, Thank You.

Today is weird. I feel well. I don’t feel devastated.

I spoke to person after person after person after person….

Yet, story after story that unfolded, touched me a great deal.

Suddenly, I thought of the date nearing, 11/12 November. Next couple of days. Gee. Tomorrow, in fact.

Yes Yang, it’s about you.

November, is always an emotional month for me.

Had been so, since I was 16.

I ended up bursting out in tears. Er, don’t worry, it was just a momentarily outburst that lasted less than -laughs- a minute. (Weakling!!!)

In fact, less than 10 seconds, I stopped the tears.

I thought of cheering the girlies up yesterday, and bought a couple of post cards.

I browsed but didn’t find anything that I adore.

Until.

Vincent Van Gogh. Starry Night.

I remembered an old friend in Cambridge who had sent me a post card with the picture on it.

That was, the London days.

And, the song came to mind.

Vincent (Starry Starry Night) – Don Mclean

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They're not listening still
Perhaps they never will

Stay well, ladies.

Be strong. Or I am sure we can have our therapeutic ladies’ night to lend strength to each other.

Whee.

I love having girl pals.

Genuine, sincere, non-bitchy, non-competitive ones, that is.

Sleeping pattern for the past 4 days:

Saturday – Woke up at 1pm, with only 5 hours of sleep from 8am.

Sunday – Woke up at 11 plus in the morning. Had slept at 7 in the morning.

Monday – Only managed to nap for 1 hour after falling asleep at 9 plus in the morning. When I woke up at 11 plus in the morning, I was unable to get back to sleep anymore.

Don’t ask me how I survived the night without feeling an ounce of fatigue. I was very awake throughout the day, in fact.

Napped for 2 hours from 5pm – 7pm, feeling totally zoned out.

Today – Woke up at 11, after falling asleep at 7am.

I can’t get back to sleep at all! I think it is time I depend on sleeping pills.

I am just too tired to carry on my day-to-day task, but now, however tired I am, I am still unable to get enough rest for the body.

Yes, I know how some of you are going to nag about my screwed up sleeping pattern being the culprit. But think of it this way: The culprit to the warped sleeping pattern is something else.

Sleeping too much, or sleeping too little. Doesn’t that sound awfully familiar?

Despite for the past 3 days of sleep deprivation, I was either out or had been extremely active.

But yet, nothing seems to max my system out enough for me to feel enough fatigue to be knocked out totally.

And, I seem to develop this resentment for my desktop.

I don’t seem to have a want in me to linger around it, or to use it. Except when I needed to catch up some news, search for some sort of information, figure out my direction with the street directory, or for the occasional blog hop.

It will take a tremendous amount of discipline, for me to get through this entry, really.

Did I mention my back hurts? I seem to pull/overexert a muscle or something.

***

Wednesday. 2nd day of the 11th month.

I did something for the very first time.

I only managed to fall asleep after lunch time on Wednesday, and woke up few hours later in the evening, in a complete daze.

In a ghastly state, I headed out in the damp weather, short of makeup and depleted of a boosted spirit.

Clad in glasses, hair dishevelled in a sluggish bun, randomly bit into by the pecan clip. Splotches of rashes publicised across my face audaciously.

Yet again, helping friend out with phone calls and such in the Central Business District. Something I had grown very sick of. Some kind of torture I had subjected myself to.

Perhaps, it is a good thing that my mind was pretty much in a blank. I could switch off the compartment holding my pride, ambitions, and emotions, shifting my gear into auto-pilot, devoid of any expectations from myself, getting on with the chore mechanically.

It’s sometimes interesting who you get to talk to over the phone.

I gave a slight encouragement from a certain person, whom I realised, was from the same secondary school I was from.

A mere stranger. A mechanical engineer who had just started on a permanent job despite 3 years my senior.

Anyway, that wasn’t really the point.

I got a call from VampTreSS, who was having a shoot in Tanjong Pagar as well.

She was meeting up with Nick and Kelvin in the drizzle, and they said they would pick me up later to meet up.

I left the office building at 9pm, strolling in the drizzle, as I tried to navigate them to where I was.

Nick and Kelvin had decided that, they would expose the ignorant one(that is, me) to….

*Drums roll*

Counterstrike(CS)!

Yes yes. For the 1st time ever in my life(!!), I was going to play LAN game.

Excited, was the little girl in me.

Obviously, there was a hidden agenda behind the game.

You see, my friends had always thought I would be such a joy(ahem) to watch when I turn all panicky and clumsy with the keys as I try to eliminate my opponents.

So, off to Marina South, we went.

I could hardly contain my enthusiasm, and was starting to plan, albeit a tad prematurely, how I would kill everyone who had mocked at me.

Coincidentally, Brian and Mindy were having dinner there, and the 4 of us had planned to meet up with them there.

It was just Brian when we reached there, cos Mindy was still with her colleagues at some steamboat buffet place nearby. Shortly after, another pal of the group, Charles, joined us.

Nick and Kelvin had indulged in some arcade games, whilst Vamp and I roamed around.

It was then, when I bumped into Stefanie, one of the female riders whom I had really great impression of.

The horror sept in when she commented I had gained weight.

It was really nice to see her again.

Later that night, Nick was telling me that they were driving around to look for me to pick me up, when they saw a female figure, and the thought it was me.

Kelvin had commented, ‘Don’t think so, too big(as in, the figure was too big a size to be me)’.

Eventually, Nick had claimed, it turned out to be me, indeed.

Double horror.

And, in the very same day, Poo had messaged me on MSN, showing me the link of a picture I had took with Janice, and made some brilliant comment on my bulging tummy.

3 blows in a day!

I meditated and refused to eat for the next couple of days, cos, food brought guilt and disgust.

But as usual, I could never put off the temptation for long.

Vamp insisted that I should eat something, and I succumbed to a curry puff and a stick of sausage.

As we stood outside the entrance of the game centre chatting and munching on our snacks, I realised how it is impossible to eat a stick of sausage without being the butt of suggestive jokes.

As usual, I nearly dropped my food, and in a rare occasion of precise reaction, I swiftly rescued it and popped it right into my mouth, much to the amazement of Vamp.

‘Did you see that? That was sleek! Gee.. She’s good with her mouth!‘ she mused to Brian, as they fagged by the entrance.

I was really trying hard not to read into the innuedo that was encrypted.

Darling, I can be real swift and sleek with my movements, alright?

Always Sometimes Rarely Sometimes.

Finally, the 3 of us ventured on to get started on the game, as the 2 of them tried to coach the impossibly slow one.

My fingers stubbornly refused to cooperate with the keys, and my marksmanship… er, what marksmanship?!

Before long, the group of 3 expanded to a group of 6, and the game rolled.

I shall not mention how when an enemy appeared right before me to start shooting at me, I would cringe and retract my hands off the keyboard and mouse, just so that I could cover my ears in horror, at a loss what to do.

‘AIM AND SHOOT!‘ Vamp shrilled.

‘RELOAD!!!!‘

‘BUY WEAPONS!!‘ Vamp reminded.

‘KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE KEYBOARD AND MOUSE!!‘ Brian roared.

Occasionally, they would reach over and help with the game. In fact, there was this point when I was the sole survivor(I don’t know how), and I was supposed to denote a bomb(tsk! No one told me that I have to, since no one would think I would ever be the last survivor) by pressing the ‘E’ key, and I was so clueless that Brian exasperatedly reached over to take over the keyboard aggressively.

‘Oh. You won the game for the team,‘ he announced, as I cluelessly nodded in amusement, smiling gleefully at this achievement.

But, darn, the honour wasn’t quite mine, was it?

There were many voices from the far side telling me where to go, and I got disoriented from walking in the maze-like game scenerio.

In fact, I swear I had motion-sickness, feeling the queasy nausea overwhelming me.

Kelvin zero-ed in on me and I was murdered X times by him.

There was this part when someone came up to me and all I could do was to shrill and fluster.

‘AIM!!! SHOOT!!‘ was the chorus from Nick, Brian, Vamp and Kelvin.

I did, and I don’t know who I killed.

There was another time that I aimed, and instead of a pistol, I ended up dancing a knife around right before the enemy, and I was in a state of horror when I didn’t see my pistol.

Stab. Stab. Stab. I can’t even remember how I mutilated my enemy.

I ended up shooting at my team mates most of the time.

I shall not mention how I was caught in the cross fire between one of my team mates and the opposing team.

Until I heard roars of laughter from 4 of them, and Brian raised his voice in exasperation, ‘OI! Get lost! You are blocking my view! I am trying to kill him!!’

I didn’t realise he was trying to aim at the opponent, and my character was sashaying aimlessly to and fro, blocking his view, shielding the enemy instead.

The vehement of laughter from the rest were merciless. Hmphf!

I may not be a brilliant CS player, but I was a great entertainment, alright? -consoling self-

Jeff came and joined us, watching the game by our sides.

***

It would have been quite a relaxing evening on a holiday eve, until Roy called, and the joy was slightly dampened.

Oddly, I don’t feel any irritation as my night was cut short, cos seriously, I think I could understand how awkward a position the group was put in, and how he would inevitably feel left out, or slightly affected when the group has to split just to accomodate the 2 of them.

Vamp then left with Jeff, and I declined their invitation to join them, opted for home instead.

Nick and Kelvin left Marina South immediately too, whilst Charles and Brian stayed. Since Marina South is pretty inaccesible, I had asked for a lift to get to the main road, where I could grab a cab before midnight.

But, the 2 darlings were incredibly sweet to give me a lift back home, when in fact, they were heading towards North and East to pick up their respective girlfriends, when I actually stay in the extreme West.

We had stopped by somewhere along Bugis so Nick could finish a phone call with Roy, before we continued on the journey.

The sedan cruised along the expressway, scattering my thoughts, bit by bit into the night, until, my night finally concluded as it negotiated the bend, into the lobby of my apartment.

My first time.

The guys were right. I do suck at the game.

Give me some time, I would awe everyone with my brilliant tactics and precise, ruthless marksmanship.

*Cough* Yah, right.

***

Interestingly, a mail awaited me that night.

An apology.

Woops. I should have an inkling what was happening when I saw someone being referred to my site from Netherlands, searching for ‘Joewei Ting‘.

Actually, the apology wasn’t necessary, really.

It was just a difference in views, cultures, lifestyles, and people. No one is to be blamed or whatsoever.

I really do think so.

It was just something, I had anticipated.

Horror of horrors, I admire whoever who has the patience to pore through my archives.

I bet he had finished till June 2005 by now, perhaps?

***

Slept throughout Thursday. Read throughout that night till Friday noon.

For the first time, I actually knew.

That someone had devoured my entire archive. All 3 years of it.

Imagine my utter flabbergastion when SBB matter-of-factly mentioned that he had finished my ENTIRE archive of 3 years plus of rubbish.

I cringed at the thought of that, and I couldn’t stop ‘eeeewwwwwww‘-ing down the phone at this piece of revelation.

I know my archive is free for all to read, but then I have this fear of looking back at my own past, and made it a point not to read them, cos a lot of things, I would rather not remember.

And what’s with their sanity? Who in the hell would read through such lengthy posts with barely any hint of substance in them?

Their patience awes me.

Yet, I feel exposed, naked, and susceptible to scrunity and judgment when someone reads me too much and feel that they know me very well, simply from my words, or worse, my kooky talks and thoughts.

Seriously, those past posts were written by someone else, not me. I hired someone to write for me, really.

So you are not reading me, really.

*Cough*

***

Saturday. 5th day of November. How swift.

It was 1pm, and I could hardly sleep anymore.

I stripped my mattress of its modesty, and did laundry for my sheets.

I scrubbed the tub, did house chores.

But the highlight of the day, was when I finally decided to diet no more, cos I had this immense craving for chilli kangkong.

That, was fulfilled, when I met up dad for dinner at 5 plus that afternoon.

It was great to see dad again. And when I hopped onto his car, I had exclaimed, ‘Gee! Long time no see!‘.

Says something about how often we see each other eh?

Even though sometimes he does return to the apartment, I would either be occupied with my own stuff in my room, or that I would be sleeping.

Had a talk with dad over late lunch, catching up a little, and scrutinising how age had taken a toll on him.

It was almost painful to gaze at those fine lines that weren’t there in the past.

The greys.

For a 60 years-old 4 years ago, he had a vigourous head of black, unlike many balding or greying men of his age.

And now?

The haughty grey is pushing the black away, staging an intrusive invasion.

The thought of that the silver and grey will soon reign, was enough to bring me close to tears.

It was a slowpaced, but ultimately sweet Saturday, cos I had a brilliant company out of Dad.

***

He gave me a lift to the nearby neighbourhood to Alvin’s.

I sat at the void deck, waiting for Alvin and Denise’s return, and enjoyed the quiet buzz of the neighbourhood, in the slight breeze, dwelling in the lingering unspoken affections earlier on.

My thoughts ran to my dad, and mum.

And rarely, do I feel that I want to be near them.

That day, was one of the rarity.

I miss the feeling… of home.

Or perhaps, the concept of home.

I know, things would be different when I am place in the situation, where the constant bickerings would drive me up the wall once more.

Home, in my mind, is an ideal.

***

Alvin and Denise returned half an hour later, with their friend Eric in tow.

Mahjong session!

I joked that they always chose the right days, when I have barely enough rest and sleep prior to the game.

Eric was having a good hand throughout the night, and all 3 of us ended up pathetically broke after losing to him consistently.

A $17 damage was bestowed unto me at the end of the night.

It was fun though.

Had a break of McDonald’s, and I ate again. 2nd time for the day. Darn.

Alvin gave us a lift back home after the game, and it was already past midnight.

***

Weekend night. Feeling aimless.

Was supposed to meet up with Nick and Vamp for coffee, but Nick was last minute bugged by a tummyache, and it was just Vamp and me for the night.

Orchard Swensen’s. Where I gave in for a beef burger. Well done to my diet plans.

Spent the night stoning, chatting to Vamp, watching her SMS, and seriously, I can’t remember what we had talked about throughout the night.

Everything about that night was hazy.

I only remember how I had needed a walk, which means something was bugging my thoughts, which I now can’t remember what.

We eventually walked down the stretch of streets, to be greeted by the ongoing Subaru Impreza Challenge. Amusing, I say.

I am too old to endure through such physically demanding task, and was duly impressed by the energetic youths, at almost 5 in the morning.

And, I saw someone familiar. This guy who wore braces, and is slightly shorter than I am. Some guy, who asked for my number back in last year when I was clubbing with Eileen(who is now a mother of Rene! Gee! And yes Eileen, I remember this Sunday!). Of course, he didn’t recognise me.

As I walked away, I saw a girl who caught my eyes. Plain, but striking. I pointed her out to Vamp, and Vamp, I bet you didn’t expect that she and her boyfriend ended up as the winners.

I saw a sight which I was greatly disturbed.

What disturbed me more was my inability to react appropriately.

I saw someone pushing the bikes on the pavement down onto the floor.

As I was across the wide road, I didn’t do anything, but to stare at the guy. I had wanted to shout at him, or perhaps walk up to confront him. Stop him, call the police or somjething.

But I just embroiled in a staring match with him as Vamp said that there’s nothing much we could do anyway.

I abhor it when I give up doing something I ought to do.

And now, the guilt of not doing anything that night, haunts.

I shouldn’t have walked away, not doing anything.

We walked to a bus stop, where we continued our talk, about how families shaped us to who we are today, and how people would never see a side of us that is hidden, protected from the eyes of the public.

That night, we heard Unwell.

We heard Superman twice.

Interesting. Nice songs.

I was tired. Very.

I finally hopped on a cab, at 5.40am in the morning, though I had wanted to scrimp on the cab fare by waiting till 6. But my body was giving up on me.

The cab ride was interesting. I saw a BMW with its 4 wheels in the air as we passed by Holland Village.

***

Sunday. The 6th.

However, my fatigue did not help me with a good sleep.

I woke up just after a few hours, just unable to go back to sleep however I forced myself to.

I tell ya, it’s an extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant feeling.

I finally decided to head out.

Alone.

On a Sunday afternoon.

Town.

It had been a long while since I am out in town. Not to mention on a weekend.

I had almost forgotten how a Sunday crowd in town is like.

I was tired. Very tired. But had wanted to run some errands.

I left home, contemplating on wearing just a pair of shorts and a casual tee. Slippers. Glasses.

Eventually, I decided I shall not be an awkward sight in public on a Sunday.

I donned a loose top, and a flowy skirt, and reluctantly popped in my contact lens.

No eye shadow, no eyeliner, no mascara, no lipstick, but only a thin layer of powder to conceal the disgustingly flawed face, and a lick of lip balm to sooth the painfully chapped lips.

Rashes come with sleep deprivation.

Made a stop at City Hall to pick up a card which I had in mind for FF(welcome home, darling!).

Hardly stopped by any other shops except for MPH, before I strutted down to Funan IT Mall which is in the vicinity.

Oh, gotten something for SBB from there, and the ungrateful brat accused me of having perverted thoughts.

Which simply, isn’t true.

Tsk tsk. How perverted can IT gadgets be?!?!

Only perverted people would twist the pure intentions of innocent people. Innocent people like me, obviously.

I felt as if I floated through the day, with the occasional unstable footings causing a trip or two, possibly stemming from the unfulfilled rest.

Took a train down to Orchard, and made my way to Lido to Strip Co-ed, where I did some personal grooming.

Now, I have neatly plucked…. brows.

It was a nice day, warm but tame.

I exited from the building, looked around me, and enjoyed the cheery weekend sight, secretly envious of the shopping mass in twos, threes, or groups.

Can you believe it? I did not walk into any boutiques at all.

I think I am few of the rare women without the shopping genes in them.

Since I was in town, I dialed for a few girlies, and asked if they happen to be in town.

After 5 phone calls, Roumin responded positive, and I asked if she wanna meet up for a short drink. She agreed and said she and Ryan would walk over.

Cream Bistro at Pacific Plaza was the meet up location, and it was the first time ever, I met up with Roumin, not in a group.

I sat there, indulged in my book, as I sat next to the glass door, temporarily shelled away from the world.

Shortly after, the both of them turned up.

A group of youngsters full of vigor soon arrived and took one of the alfresco seats, right diagonally opposite to where we were.

As I caught with Roumin, asking about the recent up-tos of the girlies, I thought I saw 4 pairs of eyes looking in our direction from that table.

‘Your friends huh?’ I asked Roumin.

She took a peek and shook her head. In turn, she asked if they were my friends which I wasn’t able to recognise through the glass due to the reflections.

Feeling puzzled, I thought hard and tried to recall if I had forgotten the people I had met before. Were they some acquaintances whom I failed to remember?

I looked to the couple sitting to our far left, and thought they might be looking at them instead.

‘Or is it my hair looking weird and out of place? Is there something on my head?‘ I combed my fingers deep into my tresses, shuffling them consciously.

Roumin laughed and assured me it wasn’t the case.

They might be the couple’s friend, I thought.

Janise called in the midst of our conversation to ask for my bank account number, and as I was occupied with the phone call, the waitress made a small talk with Roumin.

Suddenly, Roumin mumbled something which I didn’t quite catch, as if saying she doesn’t think so in respond to the waitress’ question.

‘You don’t have an English name called Scarlett right?‘ she assumed.

I nearly shook my head since my concentration was on the phone. Then her question hit me. I stared at her with momentous disbelief, and wondered where did such a question come from.

‘Ah?!‘

I took a pause from the phone, and nodded a tad hesitantly.

‘Er.. yeah, I am,‘ I answered a tad sheepishly.

‘HUH? You are?!‘ she gave me a wide-eyed surprised look, and turned her head to look at the waitress.

I realised it was the waitress who asked. I blinked in amazement, as she pointed to the youths at the other table, saying that she thinks they are my friends or something.

At the same time, I was trying to thank the waitress, speak to Janise, deal with Roumin’s look of suspicion, and trying to catch the eyes of the youths to give a polite wave(actually I don’t know if I managed to do so).

‘Oh God,‘ I mumbled down the phone to Janise, ‘someone just asked if I am Scarlett‘.

She got what I mean immediately, and laughed.

I whined, ‘Gosh! NooOoooOoo! This couldn’t be happening! I didn’t have enough sleep. The horrors! Dark eye rings! No makeup! And I didn’t bother to suck in my tummy!‘.

The immediate reaction as I said that, I sat up straight and took a deep breath in.

As the phone call ended, Roumin grilled me when did I get such a cheesy name as ‘Scarlett’.

I had to explain it wasn’t my real name, but an online persona, just like how Wenmei is Pishako, if she does read Wenmei’s blog.

‘Oh! So you blog!‘

‘Um, yeah, I do.’

‘You posted your pictures on your site? How did people recognise you?‘

‘Yeah, I do. I don’t know how they did that either. Now this would be the scrutiny of how photogenic I am, how I am in fact flatter and fatter in real life, and how my bulging tummy is worse in real life. The dark eye rings.. Oh no… I am shy.‘

*Bites nails nervously* *Gulps in fear*

‘Scarlett… Scarlett… Scarlett…‘ she teased as I scrunched my face in return.

It was immense awkwardness. Conceivably stemming from the inadequacies I felt.

Should I say hi? Should I wave?

When Roumin and I stood up to head for the ladies, I turned to smile, but when they held my gaze, I immediately felt an utter sense of shyness and looked away with a bundle of nerves.

‘Gosh, darn, I am shy… Should I smile? Should I go over and say hi? So awkward.‘ I muttered to Roumin as I felt my face flushing up.

‘Scarlett.. Scarlett.. Scarlett! Wahahaha,’ she was amused as she repeated it. I cringed at the sound of it, too, oddly.

We sat around Cream Bistro until it was around 7 plus, and I made my way home.

Just as I was waiting for a cab, 2 familiar figures were waving at me.

It was Denise and Alvin!

They had kindly offered me a lift after their dinner, but since I was rushing home to catch MotoGP and do some chores, I opted for the more expensive alternative.

Back home, it was vacuuming, mopping, before I collapsed into the bed, a picture of fatigue.

SBB dropped by late, and we spent a good half of whatever that was left of the night, chatting.

I chuckled as he tried singing the Doraemon theme song with that babyish voice, which was rather cringe-worthy.

I was informed that some creep had posted my pictures on www.sggirls.com, the site that I had totally abhorred when it posted my pictures 4 years ago.

It was the precise reason why I had fiercely guarded my pictures’ privacy for the past years, without revealing my pictures, so they would not be put up to be subjected to condescending talks, and mean criticisms.

Obviously, the person has something against me, to be signing up a new account to post a couple of my pictures up, claiming that I am a social escort, and a slut, even getting my name wrong.

Sorry to disappoint whoever you are, but I am neither. Thank you.

And. It’s Joewei. Not Jowie.

I am tired. And yes, sometimes they do get me down, though I had very much wanted to deprive them of the joy of doing so.

Ah well. Cool.

***

The horrors.

Don’t ever keep your private blog’s address in your address bar.

Or else….. you would end up like me, scrambling to password lock some embarrassing entries, when someone you had been bitching about speaking fondly of found out about the site when he accidentally scroll down the URL address bar.

Or, begging him with pleading eyes not to read on.

Or, kicking yourself over your stupidity when you panicked and knocked over a finished can of A & W when he had wanted to check it out the site, signalling that you have something to hide.

Or…. oh well.

***

It was almost 9 plus in the morning when I finally succumbed to the sleepybug and fell asleep with a husky, deep snore.

For the first time, I…… I am not sure if you guys really want to know, but I decided you guys don’t need to know.

Interesting. Hurhurhur.

Anyway. Not that I am proud of my growls.

My Sunday ended, just like that. And Monday, started slightly more than an hour later.

I woke up an hour later, hugging my pillow and made my way to the hall, with my eyes closed, to find SBB on the phone.

As much as I tried to force myself to grab more rest, I was feeling too awake to do so.

Apparently, the one on the phone was unable to coax himself to sleep either.

It is interesting when you dig through your old belongings, and manage to find some of the gems you never thought existed.

I was like an amused kid when I sifted through my very messy store room for a helmet bag, and found my back protector and the shoulder guards for my jacket.

Now, where are my SPS gloves?!

Oh, and I am actually a proud owner of a deflated Umbro soccer ball.

Oh, and I am actually a proud owner of a pair of blades which I shall make good use of.

My eyes litted up with enthusiasm, as I gasped out loud in surprise whenever something surfaced from the piles of messiness, which prompted SBB to laugh at the silliness of the entire episode.

Grr….

He left slightly before noon, and I was unable to sleep on further, and my day was kickstarted into gear.

It was noon when Kenneth(yesh, my partner-in-crime for Cat’s wedding emcee-ing) messaged to say he was doing the accounts for my estate, and that he was in the area.

We met up for lunch, and since we were clueless where to go, we decided to go with his suggestion of IMM.

When we reached there, he told me his budget was 5 bucks.

I stared at him and rolled my eyes.

‘We could have settled for dinner at the coffee shop opposite my place!! Tell me where to get 5 bucks lunch at a mall?!’

We eventually bought some snacks from Old Chang Kee, before we made our way back to the coffee shop opposite my place for lunch.

Over lunch, I peeped at his blue IC, and grew immensely jealous.

Blue IC, signifying his permanent resident status in Singapore.

I ‘Aww’ when I saw that he was by right, a British citizen.

He was borned there, and yet had never lived there.

!!!!!!!!!

Unfair! Cheater.

As we spoke of London and Europe, I spoke of my desire to live there for some time before settling down in Singapore again.

It used to be something I resent, but now, I feel that I should give myself a chance to find out what is life like, overseas.

I used to be too homesick to enjoy my days away from home, yet I am now more than ready to embark on a life, totally different to what I have now.

Before long, his lunch break was over, and I bade him goodbye to return home, to the cool embrace of my air-conditioner.

Whee.

Until late noon, when I finally could grab a couple hours of nap.

Headed out late to meet up with Vamp for supper, since I had wanted to make my way down to FF’s.

FF was supposed to touch down around midnight, and I thought I would drop by her place to drop off her card, so it would be the first thing she would be greeted with when she reached home.

The original plan was to air-freight the CD over to her, but it was too late, and FedEX would be beyond our budget.

So, after alighting at Buona Vista MRT, I walked to her block, which I was approximately 800m from the station, stated by www.streetdirectory.com.sg.

It was a cool night, thank goodness.

I strolled the neighbourhood with my instinct, hoping I got the right way.

In fact, I did. I finally saw the block, and with Gavin’s help, I got the unit number correct, and knocked on the door for FF’s sister.

Passed her the CD and I embarked on another 25 minutes walk to Holland Village.

It was almost 11 pm when I finally reached to join Vamp and Dylan.

Was standing up to order my drinks when I saw a familiar face.

One that hasn’t changed since 8 years ago.

My face was littered with disbelief when he caught sight of me, confirming my uncertainty.

It was indeed him, Zhaosheng, my secondary school classmate in River Valley.

He was one of the 2 guys, besides Wenjie, whom I have yet to see ever since my graduation 8 years ago.

8 blardy long years.

How nostalgic.

That would mean when he last saw me, I had crew cut, and was a tom boy without a hint of feminity.

The height of my rebellion.

When I was pimplish.

Gosh gosh gosh.

I was really glad to see him after all these years.

As usual, we parted with the standard ‘hey, we must meet up for coffee one of these days!‘, which is often said, seldom executed.

***

It was after one plus in the morning when I saw a missed call from FF.

She had called to say that she finally saw the clip. Since she had helped us to buy discounted Guess jeans from the outlet mall, she asked if we wanna drop by to try on the size.

Why not, we thought.

We made a move to her place, and we were so glad to see her back to us again!

Glad you like the clip, darling.

Whee!

And sadly you mortals would not have the honour and privilege to gawk at the tear-jerking, award-worthy, heart-warming 6 and half minute video.

To protect the identities of those involved, darlings.

The jeans fit me just nice, and the darling even got me a pink tee from the outlet mall. Thanks sweets, that was brilliantly awesome of you.

***

We left Dylan to tame the hyperactive Jack Rusell, as he and FF’s sister bitched about the bitch(Rascal the bundle energy, that is).

***

The bitter, coffee-like flavour tingled my tastebuds I took a solid drag.

The burnt, sharp aroma tickled my nose as I watched the other 2 ladies spitting shapeless but visible veils of smoke.

There, in the kitchen, we stood. Staring into the darkness outside the window, blurring it out with each and every breath we exhaled.

Cigars, from the US of A.

Slim and dainty.

With a distinct delicious taste like some delicacy, as if it was a food, since we weren’t supposed to inhale it.

There, we caught up with the week.

With Ooohs and Aaahs from kinky revelations, disgusted Ewwws from astonishing revelations about my morning, shocked and wide-eyed bewilderness from each and single of our recent encounters, and cooing over how cool and loving her trip had been.

It was an impromptu but intimate girls’ night.

As we retreated into her room thereafter, I was lost in my thoughts, somehow.

And the poor FF suffered from a battery-scare. Muahahaha. But we all heaved a sigh of relief for her when the gadget buzz to life.

It was 3am, when we finally made our way out of her home, and I hopped on a cab, with SBB on the phone, till it was slightly after 4.

And sometimes, I wonder what I get myself into when I would unwittingly get myself into bets I know I would somehow lose.

But, no risks, no gains!

I might not necessarily lose, right?

Hurhurhur.

And, after that, I was still unable to sleep.

Arghhhhhh.

What’s wrong with me?!

Oh well.

***

Spent today trying hard to sleep, blog, and coping with the sickening nausea.

Until it was night time when dad bought me dinner at 11pm, after I had finished watching CSI: Miami, did I feel slightly better, but yet had an incredible urge to spew everything out.

SBB insisted that I am a weirdo when I went ‘bubububububu..‘ as I stretched lazily.

And then further justify that I am a weirdo cos I spoke to my air-conditioner before.

‘You are weird, you even speak to your air-con!‘

But, people do talk to the computer, handphone, and gadgets when they fail, don’t they? Things like, ‘Hey! Don’t give up on me! Come on! Work!‘, eh?

‘No! Am not! Hello? Everyone does that! So what if I talk to my conditioner?‘

‘Oops. Air-conditioner.‘

‘Gee, you are indeed a weirdo! You speak to your shampoo too, don’t you?!’

Grrr….

Don’t get me started on YOUR ‘august’ joke, SBB. By the way, you do have a shampoo/conditioner joke somewhere, too.

I am not a weirdo. *Sulks*

Sometimes, maybe.

When I had excitedly furnishing him with the details of my recent CS game, I could almost hear him shaking his head indignantly, as he mocked, ‘You suck at CS, which doesn’t come as a surprise.‘.

I am just a beginner, alright? Hmphf.

And he assumed firmly that I must have been the butt of all jokes.

‘It’s not that bad right?‘

‘It sounds that bad.’

Duh.

But darn, he was right.

***

It is nearing 3 now, and I am facing the irritation of feeling extremely exhausted, yet my eyes refuse to shut.

My brain is going into overdrive, though.

***

Oh, today’s date is one of those days that used to mean something to me.

I am glad it no longer does, cos it would mean that my finances would free up.

I need a trip.

I want to go Europe, badly.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don’t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don’t we go
Somewhere only we know?

***

Take care babe, I just hope for your happiness and well-being.

Words have failed me.

My thoughts and words just don’t connect anymore.

They just can’t flow freely as they sometimes would.

I don’t feel like chatting to friends online. I can’t seem to string a proper sentence at times. I am not able to blog, cos words had ceased to breeze through my waltzing fingers. They no longer dance. The crawl with a drag.

And yes, I can’t even put thoughts to words in email.

I just… can’t seem to sound coherent. Nor express myself with boisterous flair(not that I have much to begin with).

Perhaps, that explains the constant short posts these days that scratch the surfaces of issues lightly, but never in depth, nor any elaborated sculpture of words to bring experiences or thoughts across.

My memory is failing me too.

I just can’t seem to recall things that had happened yesterday.

Perhaps, I have intentionally eradicate my memories, substituting them with mere blanks so that nothing would haunt me, anymore.

It must be the will. Refusing the thoughts that seep through.

I know I would recall if I try hard enough, but something in me stubbornly shut it out.

I have troubles remembering.

Yet, I have troubles forgetting.

I know.

I do remember. Just that for the moment, it is less painful, to shut it like a vault.

But darn. I know myself too well. The vault is a faulty one.

Will be back tomorrow to blog. Um, about my Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday(since any other day I was spent reading and living the life of a recluse at home).

Meanwhile. What a boring but yet exciting(well, when you think about the impact it might bring next year) finish to the last race of MotoGP in Valencia.

I bet I am going to suffer withdrawal symptoms from it soon.

Alright.

Words have failed me, once again.

My thoughts, halt.

This is obscene.

I finally finished my book this afternoon, and headed off to bed.

I slept, and slept and slept.

I vaguely remember SBB called, but I have absolutely no idea what I said, replied, or whatever.

I just hope I didn’t make a fool outta myself in my delirious state.

I have a gift for sounding perfectly sober and awake when I am actually not.

Bad, bad, bad.

One other thing about me is, when I read messages that come in(yes, I do check my phone in the midst of my rest), I would register them, and delete them(!!!!).

Then, I would have total no recollection who the sender was, and thus, unable to reply.

Very bad.

I vaguely remember SBB called, only because I saw a received call on my phone, but was puzzled why he had called me on my handphone cos he would normally call my house phone first.

Then again, if I was THAT dead asleep, how did I manage to pick up my handphone cos it is just a tiny ‘beep’ without any ring tone?

Doesn’t quite make sense.

*Cues X-files tune*

I just can’t seem to remember.

Though I could recall I had 2 dreams. One is of the bloggers, another is of me knowing SBB for *gasp* 7 years.

Weird oh weird.

And in my trance state, I suddenly had this sentence popping up my head, I sat up, and went back to sleep again.

By the time I greeted my day, it was 2 am, 12 hours after I first slept.

2 in the middle of the night?!?!

Okay. That’s not the only thing.

Promise me you are still going to be my friend after this, alright?

-tiny voice- I had forgotten to shower yesterday.

Thus, first thing I did at 2 am, was to shower, and lather my hair in nice, sweet-smelling shampoo.

And it wasn’t the first time in this 3 weeks that I had forgotten to shower.

3rd, or 4th, maybe?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is, so, very bad.

This is what happens when you stay at home a tad too much, and indulge in too much reading.

And yes, I am starting on my 3rd book for the week already.

How anti-social.

Good news though. I finally finished my video-editing, after the program crashed on me at least 10 times, and destroyed whatever I had done prior to that.

After redoing it for like 5 times, I finally managed to get everything together.

Phew.

I have to remind myself, that I would submit my PR application by the end of next week.

Oh, and purchase tickets for David T’s concert by next week too.

Oh, and get myself enrol for language courses.

Oh, and get myself enrol for courses that would legalise my attempts to kill the local pedestrians.

Oh, and get myself a new skirt and a new pair of boots.

Oh, and turn back my bodyclock to its normalcy.

Oh, and I have to get some work done with VampTreSS.

Oh, and taking care of Creamy.

Oh, and blog.

Oh, and finishing my newest read.

Um, yeah.

Oh, and sending out emails that had been long delayed.

Oh, the house chores, too.

Gee.

***

I had wanted to write something about being nice.

But somehow, blogger ate it up, and I couldn’t find the same thoughts flowing through again.

One of the most dangerous things in life, is people’s ‘niceness’.

I like nice people, but they are the most fickle-minded people around, somehow.

There will come a time, in a person’s life, that he decided that he shall be nice no more.

The day when he is wore down by the sinister world, and felt that he is being short-changed too much.

He felt there is a need to be consistent with the world.

He decided he shall retract his niceness, from those around him.

They don’t know why. All of sudden.

But he knows. He grew weary.

And he would turn nasty, when you least expected it.

Just like this *snaps finers*.

You don’t know why, you grew afraid.

You decided you shall not be nice too.

Vicious cycle.

Niceness, is most inconsistent with its stability.

Just a trigger.

I think, that’s why, I am always fearful when people are too nice.

Cos, I would always be guessing, when they will be retracting that niceness, and never return.

Or worse, turning the niceness into the sharpest sword ever, plunging into your back with full force.

Deep.

Very deep.

Scarlet blood seeps.

And you will never know what hit you, cos the only thing that you would see, is the blunt of the sword, sticking out of your chest, after its slick path through your heart.

So, I hadn’t eaten anything on Wednesday. Except for a stick of sausage and a curry puff VampTreSS insisted on getting for me.

AND

Good news. I didn’t eat anything on Thursday either. 4 days of going foodless, I still feel… inadequate.

Don’t try to convince me otherwise. I had 3 jibes coming my way about my weight and lardy tummy in a single day, and I am quite touchy about the subject now.

And yes, if you have to know, I actually teared because of it, thank you. Gee, depression is not exactly easy to handle, isn’t it?

Now, for the bad news.

I finally couldn’t hold it anymore, and dialled for the golden arch’s delivery for its breakfast.

Hotcakes set AND an egg McMuffin. All in one go.

This is bad.

AND.

It’s 1.40pm and I still have yet to sleep.

I just finished my new book, in a day.

Reading is not good for health, I tell ya.

I had tried to sleep early last night, or should I say, the day before, heading to bed the earliest in a long while, 5am.

Imagine my flabbergastion when the time was 5.40pm when I was next sober.

Thus, explains how I have enough concentration to last through the entire book till this very moment.

Now, if you would please excuse me, I shall head for my nap.

Have a nice weekend everybody.

Will blog more tomorrow, cos most probably I would spending my Saturday at home, cosying up to another read, not heading out or anything.

(Since today would most probably be spent replenishing what I had short-changed my body last night)

By the way, um.. hm.. eh.. er, I was contemplating of attending David T’s concert at the end of this month. Anyone?

***

Oh a side note, yes, I was right.

He found me.

Tuesday, 1st November, 2.40am — The initial warnings came down swift and thin. I stared hard at the few that landed, and splattered across my visor.

A ticklish drop of it pricked my bare thigh.

Shorts and slippers. Wrong move. The insecurity from such unprotective pillion riding was at its maximum.

Short ride. Less than 5 minutes from Chevron to my apartment. I had silently cursed that I should have brought my jacket, gloves out. Oh, throw in the jeans and covered shoes too.

That, was my only activity for the day, after greeting the start of my day at 5 plus in the evening.

I had not wanted to go anywhere, really. Tired, flowing, anti-social, and utterly broke.

But since it was just nearby for a karaoke session, perhaps I should just give myself a breather out of home.

Met up with David and 5 of his primary school classmates(and I thought only one other friend was joining him!), and I did a bit of walking after I absent-mindedly alighted one stop early.

This might come across as a bit odd, but the 2nd hand smoke choked me, and I hadn’t stopped coughing since I got home.

All of them are nice, and unassuming people. There was hardly any pressure being around them, except for 2 of the ladies who are really brilliant singers(their voices are so sweet!).

I truly adore sweet people!

But for a good half of the time, when I wasn’t singing, I had my head buried into my read, unable to resist the urge to carry on reading my book.

On hindsight, it might come across as rather anti-social and rude. Oops.

David was sweet to offer a ride back, and the moment we mounted his bike, the needles of drizzle plunged.

I got back, just before I heard the theatrical growls of the black sky, which was already tinted with a quaint hue of scarlet.

***

There seem to be so much to write. Thursday, Saturday, Sunday. But I just can’t seem to recall much.

Perhaps I was in too much a daze for my own good in the past few days.

***

I laid in bed, head sunk into the pillow, shutting out all the tiny fragments of thoughts, briefly after I had finished the last post.

I was only 30% conscious when the high-pitched, vibrant wail of the house phone brought my consciousness back to 100%.

9 plus in the morning, I was told.

‘Are you okay? What’s wrong sweetie?‘ was the soothing start of the conversation.

I giggled. Why wouldn’t I be, I asked.

‘Come on, I just read your post,’ the voice was laced with a velvetish tinge of assurance, making known that he knew something is definitely not right here.

Oh. Oops.

Crap, he’s quick. I posted it barely 45 minutes prior to his call. Yadda, yadda.

‘What was in the mail, if I may ask.‘ Not demanding, nor intrusive.

I filled in the blanks.

‘Remember what I said about don’t let what others say get to you? They want to say whatever, just let them say.‘

Words that flowed from him was reassuring, and sweet.

Yeah, I know that theory well, but my weakness is, I ALWAYS allow those things to get to me. Darn.

‘Had fun last night?‘ he chirped.

I filled him in with the details about last night, but had forgotten to mention that I had at least 3 people asking, ‘Hey you are Scarlett Ting? So, where’s SBB?‘.

I didn’t ask him along, just in case there were cute, young, 18 year-old virgins people start to put faces to thoughts, envisualising the things I had explicitly described on this blog.

Like, his baby talks, which could send shudders down spines(Um, look who’s talking).

What were you thinking about?

‘Why did you cut yourself? Hm?‘ he asked in a non-serious reproach, and prompted my kiddish sheepishness.

‘Hmm.. um.. well, I accidentally scratched myself,’ my lying skills suck.

‘Really huh? 6 times? You sure?‘ he raised his pitch slightly higher, as if mocking how thin my defense was.

‘Well… you see, I put my hand into my bag to search for something, and there was something sharp, and I was shuffling my hand to and fro in the bag, unaware of it…‘

Before I could finish, he went, ‘OHHHHH RIGHT, YA YA, I’M SURE, HMM… I SEEEE.‘

And that triggered my giggles, and I gave the game away.

He didn’t probe any further, but I guess, he knew.

It is amazing how we can always make the most serious of topics seem so… trivial.

But that always works on me. I would use an equally unserious tone, and launch into a light-hearted speech, peppered with giggles and sniggers.

Even if it’s about self-mutilation.

And his secret weapon that made me laugh uncontrollably?

Out of nowhere, midway through the conversation, he unconsciously broke into this baby voice, and crooned the first sentence of…. *gasp* Doraemon’s theme song.

Yes yes, the one I had screeched shrilled sang in the clip.

I froze in my tracks, and my problems all freed in fear, deserting me to deal with the trauma alone right at that moment.

I gulped in disbelief, ‘Oh my God! Did you just sing?! In Mandarin somemore?! Xiao Ding Dang(doraemon) somemore?! In a baby voice somemore?! Oh my God. What day is it today? Monday? Sheesh, no 4-D to buy.‘

And despite that, he didn’t stop, and he continued humming to its catchy tune.

Damn, I can’t get it out of my mind now, he lamented with angst.

I giggled somemore.

‘Sweetie, I shall bestow a curse on you. You shall have the song stuck in your head for the entire week, and you shall have an insatiable urge to croon it everywhere you go, every single moment. Muahahaha.‘

He mouthed some profanities and threatened to stick his foot up my arse if the curse does realise itself.

An hour later, he decided that I am critically in need of some good rest to clear my mind, and I bade him goodbye, with his rendition of the song, haunting nagging ringing incessantly at the back of my mind.

He called again around 2 plus. And again at 5 plus.

I thought the later phone call was funny.

‘Hello, sweetie!’

‘Yo, wassup?’

‘You sleeping?’

‘Nope, just woke up, am waking up already.’

‘Okay la, since you wake up already, that’s good then.’

The phone call ended, with the above very brief conversation.

I thought it was strangely funny. Did you think I won’t wake up?! Or are you jealous of the fact that I slept so much you must disturb my sleep just to make sure I woke up?!

Thanks for calling. Thanks for asking. Really. It perked me up.

I know you guys would be sceptical, but it’s really nice to have such a nice friend around. I should be counting my blessings.

Yes, friend. Just friends.

***

Tuesday, 1st November 8.26pm – I just woke up.

Reading is evil. I didn’t stop till it was 12 noon. And I wasn’t even tired when I forced myself to sleep.

Reading is evil. I escaped into a world of fiction, without a care for my reality, and I just….. shut off contacts with the rest of the world.

Even… my blog.

***

Tuesday, 1st November 3.56am — I am finally done with the freaking book.

And you thought I would be fully recharged, eager to blog.

Actually, um, no.

I feel like unveiling another out of my 3 reads, but I suspect I would turn hermit by the end of then.

Maybe I will just read chick lit just to drive the blues and violence away from my recent 2 reads.

In my opinion, my newest read was rather disappointing.

Other than reading, I can’t remember anything else I have done in the past 8 hours.

Oh, I watched television for 2. MSN-ed(with Vamp, Pablo Nieto, and uh-oh-what’s-his-name?) and blog-surfed for 1. Danced around aimlessly for 1.

4 hours for 1/3 of a book is… slow.

Happy Deepavali. That’s how I had spent mine holiday Tuesday.

***

Dad finally brought my passport and spanking new Employment Pass back today. I stared at the final 2 pages of blanks on my passport, and was glad that I managed to get the pass before it ran out of space.

It has been less than one and half years. My 64-page passport had ran out of space.

Good news is, with the pass, I can finally renew it in Singapore, at the local Malaysian Embassy. And I should do it if I want to go on a holiday next mid-year.

And now, what’s next? Another few months’ wait for my Permanent Residency before I could finally embark on some sort of career?

Bleak huh?

But, it’s the first step, nonetheless.

***

The pictures from the Halloween party freak me out. Gross me much, too.

Yes, I am blardy critical of myself especially when the big D haunts me again.

I am proud of myself.

I had went without food since I woke up today.

And, I had went without food for yesterday, too.

The only food I had on Sunday, was the banana and cheese prata I had for supper, which I didn’t quite finish.

Sunday, lunch with 3 very lovely people. Dim sum. Hardly a proper meal, eh?

Saturday one meal. Dinner. With the girls. I drained my plate of its final grain of rice.

Friday, one meal. Noodles that I didn’t finish, over brunch with dad.

Thursday. Single meal too.

What happened to my mega-appetite?

I have no idea. But I don’t feel hungry.

***

This is a special announcement for my beloved Finicky Feline, who had been really worried.

It was really cool cos I managed to speak to her for the very first time this morning since she left for US of A, and it was quite substantial compared to the minimal communication we had since then.

I can’t quite remember what we had said, but something something I lick her, and something something she suck me something something titties, after I showed her my nudies.

Nah, joking.

And something something about how she would clean my room for me if I please her sexually, physically, huggally(yes, I know there’s no such terms, whatever), and emotionally.

What kind of friends do I have? *traumatise*

Vague. Very vague memories.

I swear I would have put my webcam into good use, which I had learnt, is impressively useful and fun, recently. Very recently. *cough*

Darling FF, after our recent MSN conversation, guess what?

Miss ‘Samantha’ did up the figure to 4 last night.

I am good with guesses. Hurhurhur.

And I am darn jealous.

***

So, I have yet to complete accouting my Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, since I did mention my Friday was spent sleeping my day away after submitting my application for the pass.

I didn’t mention that I was so tired that I left the collection chore to my dad who was in town anyway.

***

Thursday. 27th, it was.

It was starting to drizzle when SBB dropped me off, and we stood in it for a while, as he finished his stick of cigarette.

I am relatively sure it was my hormones. I yearned for the bitter, roasted taste of tobacco rimming my lips, after I had canoodled upclose to him that very morning, pleading for a puff.

He relented, albeit a tad reluctantly.

‘Stop eyeing my ciggie,’ he caught my roaming eyes.

‘Huh? No, I wasn’t, you must be mistaken!‘ I giggled my way out of the situation again.

And I took one drag, in the falling rain.

One last lingering cuddle, and a goodbye smooch in full view of those at the cab queue, he was on his way off.

***

Lugging the troublesome X-ray, and the precious folds of paper that would grant me my long-awaited employment pass in the plastic bag, I made my way to one of the wards.

***

He was knocking off as I finally located where he was.

As we strolled out of the premises, we headed to this part of the hospital that was unknown to me.

Make-shift wards, surrounded by greens. Peaceful, quiet. Almost too lonely, if not for the vibrant colours from the shimmering plants.

The drizzle had halted. Air was moist.

Grim with the last signs of day, before darkness invaded.

‘He had been like this for 5 months,’ he nodded towards the man inside the ward on my right.

I looked through the slim strip of glass panel of the door, and saw a stick-thin figure, staring up at the ceiling, almost lifeless.

His gaze was empty.

‘He’s a veg. He doesn’t feel, doesn’t see. We have been wondering for the longest time when he would finally give up. He had contracted all sorts of bugs for the past few months, and even not treated, he would somehow fight on and get well by himself.‘

He doesn’t feel. Despite his wide, parted eyes, nothing registers.

I stood there. I glanced towards his name, and took a lingering look at the frail figure.

The name, the scene, had imprinted themselves stubbornly in my thoughts. I still…..

…. remember.

It was, somehow, sad.

I inhaled heavily, a warm rush to the rims of my eyes.

I smiled, a tad nervously, and had a sudden craving for a fag. Compose, compose.

Maybe, I never should belong in the medical field.

And perhaps, that’s why, I am not.

I was 16, when Edward told me I should pursue medical-related studies, knowing my strengths, but he had added I should never go into the field, cos I, was too much a weakling to cope.

Maybe, it is just as well I didn’t end up in UCL, nor fulfilling the conditional offer they extended.

But I always wonder, what would happen, if I had?

Maybe, just maybe, I would end up dating some cosmetic surgeon *cough* there, and went under the knife with discounted rates.

Oh well.

I left the ward, with a heavy heart. With that image, irremovable.

***

It was near dinner time, when *cough* Mr Anonymous Zorro Zerro gave an impromptu suggestion for dinner.

He had owed me a dinner over email, which I had yet to claim, and he said I could.

I okay-ed the suggestion, since I had nothing on, except for a meeting scheduled post-dinner time.

It was a place, he had brought someone to before, and I had exclaimed how I never knew such a place exists in one of the mails. And somehow, I don’t know how, we did say we would check out the place in one of the replies.

I had never, set foot into Botanical Gardens since I was, er, 9?

We were half an hour early, dinner would only serve at 7pm.

Took a walk around the place that I had vague impressions of, and I wished I had my sneakers with me, so I could join the evening joggers in the serene openness.

We were led up a stairs, to the 2nd storey of the cosy, and classy restaurant.

I should have forseen the signs, the exclusivity of the place.

I had thought it was some alfresco coffee place, and that since I had just had late lunch with SBB earlier on, I thought I would just grab a small bite of desserts, or a cup of tea.

And, I should have picked up the obvious clue: Les Amis Au Jardin. The name of the restaurant.

I was so not dressed, nor the kind of people, suited for such places.

I am clumsy, and loud, remember?

I heard clangs of wine glasses, and elegantly dressed people, and sheepishly stared down at my jeans.

The slight sense of inadequacies started sneaking in.

I was just glad that I had left my helmet in the back of his car. Phew.

I shall not mention how I tried to mask my lost of composure when the menu was shoved into my hands.

I gulped. Swallowed my saliva hard, and I realised it was almost certain that I had to go with the courses of the meal.

I struggled with the annoying French terms, and felt like an utter bimbo.

In a bid to look really intelligent, we whipped out my newly collected X-ray and pored over it.

Apparently, I was told that I have a slight condition of scoliosis, and quite unsually, had compensated it with my neck.

And yes, I am trying to sound profound here, when I have no idea what I am talking about, though my spine does look slight bent. Muahahaha.

So, I need someone who will carry me around when my arthritis is bad when I am old and wrinkled like a prune.

And, the sea-weed crackers that was served. Very nice.

And you think I would make a mess outta everything, don’t cha?

Noooo! I didn’t! My dinner partner made a bigger mess than I did, dropped the food more often than I did, and I am immensely proudof that, alright?

Since I am picking up Italian, I shall just admit that my French sucks and I have no idea whatever the dishes’ names were.

But I can tell you, all of the above are incredibly delicious, and could possibly be the ones that flirted with my taste buds the most.

And I was darn excited when my appertizer was settled right before me.

It was the first time, I ever tasted Foie Gras. Pan-fried.

And, it was absolutely, freaking, loss-of-words-here yummy, and the smooth texture melted in my mouth.

Orgasmic!

I wish I don’t know how Foie Gras taste like.

Now, I fear when the hormones kick in, I might start craving for them, constantly… *wails*

Seriously, I don’t why I chose Asparagus instead of the Angel Hair pasta Mr Zerro had.

It was pretty unfulfilling.

But still, nothing could taste bad.

And finally, my main was served.

Something something lobster.

Which I thought resembles Big Breakfast from the golden arch.

And, what a sin it was for me to finish only half of it despite it being fresh and springy cos I was too full to go on.

It was…. so nice.

And in very typical girlie fashion, I opted for something chocolatey for desserts.

Whilst he went for the souffle.

I still very much adore my green tea-chocolate ice-cream though.

But it wasn’t as fantastic as I had expected it to be.

And for the first time, I finally knew how souffle tastes like.

The conclusion to the dinner was a cup of tea, and those little cutie bites, which tasted brilliant.

Despite Mr Zerro’s kind intention to pick up the tab for the dinner, I had thought I would pay for my share, or even pick up the tab if I could.

Until…… the moment we were shown to our seats earlier, and the menu was preciously placed in my hands.

I silently prayed I would have enough to pay for my share, cos it was just something… I would normally do.

Until…… the bill was presented, and yes, Mr Zerro, I took a quick peek at the bill.

And a quick mental calculation whispered to me that what I had with me, nor what I had in my debit card, would clear the bill.

I felt inadequate.

If only, yes, if only, I am already out there striving out on my own like my fellow peers.

What am I doing now?

What have I achieved now?

Hurhurhur.

I know, comparisons shouldn’t be such. But I just couldn’t quite help it, especially when most of my peers are achieving so much more than I do.

That was, only the 1st, of the many inadequacies that followed.

It was past 9, when the incessant flashes outside the window we were sitting by, intimidated the hell outta me. I shuffled nervously in my seat, wondering if I would make a fool outta myself if I suddenly freak out and scream out loud.

SBB had wanted to pick me up from Botanical Gardens, so that we could meet up with VampTreSS.

As the lightnings blinked, unsettling me, I dialed frantically to inform him of the storm that awaited.

No answer.

Eventually, the plan was cancelled, and I would make my own way down instead so tha he didn’t have to come down in the heavy storm.

And yes, the howling wind, and overwhelming downpour, wasn’t quite safe for him to ride either.

Mr Mosaic Zerro, who was darn reluctant to be photographed, and claimed that he looks fat in it. Hello?! You would never look so when you are next to me, alright?

I can’t quite remember when it was the last time it had a storm quite as bad as that night.

And it didn’t quite help when I was out in the open, in a tropical forest.

I was fretting how we would ever get to the carpark, when I realised…

We would be sent to the carpark by the buggy driven by the manager, so we wouldn’t get drenched by the heavy rain.

Cool or what?

I had never felt so near and exposed…. to such a heavy storm.

Mr Zerro dropped me off at the bus stop along Dunearn Road, and with my helmet and plastic bag of X-ray with me, I struggled to cup both my ears, and hail for a cab at the same time.

Thanks. It was such a pleasant dinner, and it was great conversing with ya. Treat shall be on me the next time round. Halia, alright?

I stood near to the curb, so that the cab drivers would notice me, and I would retract back into the bus stand whenever a merciless flash taunted me.

I didn’t know if I jumped, hopped, or cowered back into the shelter, but I am sure the other lady under the shelter with me was silently enjoying a comedy with me shuttling in and out of the rain like a panicky kitten.

Finally a cab stopped by when Nick called to check if I was on my way, since VampTreSS was with him at Far East Square.

I am not sure if I pouted and whimpered a ‘so scary…‘ to the cab driver or not.

I finally reached the familiar place after a while, and stood outside Oosters, making conversations with the familiar faces.

It was coincidentally, Indra’s birthday and I gave the birthday boy a big cuddle, as he had always been an ultimate sweetie when work was tough.

I finally ran over to the other side of Far East Square, where Nick and VampTreSS were already sitting at.

Brian joined us shortly after, and once everyone had took their place, I solemnly told them I had an important announcement to declare.

As they gave me their full attention, I took a deep breath in, ‘I am AIDS negative!‘.

I could hear, see, feel, taste the 3 of them rolling their eyes.

The significance of it, is that I would be able to collect my employment pass, you see.

Since there was nowhere we could get our drinks, Brian and I went to get drinks for the rest in the drizzle.

I must have been the active one for the night, and I just couldn’t sit still.

Before long, VampTreSS and I made another trip to 7-Eleven, and when we were strolling back, we saw an on-going event, and bumped into Airhole, who was helping out at the event.

We saw many girls who are nothing but legs. They have such gorgeous legs, which they showed off in cheongsams, that put me to shame.

I should, cower in shame, and wail in my inadequacies.

Later, the 2 guys we were with wanted us to help them get the mini soccer balls the event was giving out, and VampTreSS and I ventured into the event hall again.

E.I.C. was performing, but no one seemed to be paying attention to them. I stood before them, together with Airhole and VampTreSS, their only audiences.

As we sat down back with the guys again, we were away for quite a long period of time, and I was feeling increasingly tired.

Finally, we sat down to discuss some things that we had been wanting to discuss for a long while, and hopefully it will lead to something concrete.

And I really, really hope things will work out.

Shall not go into details just in case I might jinx it.

The night was going on pretty swiftly though we were trapped at where we were due to the showers.

Cold, but cosy.

I wish I wasn’t in a tube top though. It was.. cold.

***

The twist of the night came when we saw another familiar figure as VampTreSS and I walked to 7-Eleven to meet up with Jeff.

I was at a loss of words.

It was Roy.

Things got awkward.

Brian, Nick and I were pretty stunned, and since we were excusing ourselves to 7-Eleven just so coincidentally, the guys took much of the blunt of it when he asked them to take sides.

I got affected, I don’t know why.

It was… suffocating.

When we got back, he wanted to talk to her, and the 3 of us, scattered.

I found a remote corner, dark, deserted, no one, cold, and.. lonely.

There, I sat at the table, alone, deep in thoughts.

I guess I wasn’t the only one feeling affected. The other 2 just took it better and not knowing what to say either.

I just… couldn’t feel with the uneasiness, I think.

Don’t ask me why always feeling what people around me feel. I somehow just feel inadequate, feeling helpless.

Slowly, the other 2 joined me at the table, and we just.. stoned.

The 2 of them litted up.

I stared. Like a little girl fascinated.

Nick passed me one, and I started puffing away. I shouldn’t be. It brought back memories of when I was depressed, and a police detective had offered me a stick.

To me, fags and depression go together.

Friends know.

When I finally finished one whole stick by myself, I felt calmer, yet my hand was trembling. I didn’t feel better.

Was I intentionally destructing myself?

I have no idea.

SBB knew about it later on when I let known about it, and when I met him again, he smacked me and in a chirpy way, asked me why I did what I did.

I evaded the question in my usual kiddish sheepishness, burying the problem away by looking up in the sky, not knowing what he was talking about.

Anyway.

As the 3 of us sat there, drained, and overwhelmed by fatigue, their talks went on for 2 or more hours.

I didn’t want to go off, just in case.

And Nick got bored. He whipped out his camera. Since we were all tired and affected, we looked terribly ugly in all shots.

Brian asked why my helmet was with me, cos the 2 guys thought I was being a poser. Hello?!

And yes, I look terribly terrible.

But I still think my Valentino Rossi replica helmet is gorgeous, though Nick had called it ‘expensive cheap helmet’.

Okay, I don’t feel so bad after seeing this picture. Muahahahahahaha.

And we have Mr Evain-bottle-sucker looking.. erm..

How should I put it?

Nick commented in fits of giggles that Brian looked like he was *cough* indulging.

Now, we not only know how he looks like when he sucks(yes, kindly click, please. Office friendly!), but we also know how he looks like when he orgasms is on the receiving end.

I really, really don’t need to know. Really. *traumatise*

Things people do when they are bored.

Once again, what kind of friends have I gotten?

Now, I fear for my life, cos I posted their hideous pictures.

But, but, but *innocently pleading eyes* I also posted my ugly picture, so it’s fair, alright?

***

It was near 3 when I finally left for home in the cab, after VampTreSS assured me she would be alright.

Bushed, drained, exhausted.

***

Saturday, 29th.

As I mentioned, I met up with the gorgeous Wenmei, Roumin and Huiling for a singing session at 2 plus in the afternoon, at the tamed Tanjong Pagar, deprived of its usual fast-paced buzz on work days.

It meant I only had 5 hours of beauty sleep.

But it was nice seeing the pretty girlies again, since I hadn’t met up with them for the longest time.

It was plenty of inadequacies felt when all of them are working for big corporations, and talking about boyfriends who have stable careers, driving what-not cars, and speaking ceaselessly about their bliss, as they planned for their nuptials.

All 3 are younger than me, alright?

Am of course, very thrilled for them cos I can see how right their beaus are for them, just that, as I look inwardly, it was nothing but emptiness within.

Post singing session, Gary came to pick Wenmei up, and sent the 4 of us to town, to shop for a birthday present for Huiling’s boyfriend.

We even scurried in and out of branded boutiques like Gucci and Burberry, none of the above I could afford.

The best part was when I saw a white Gucci bag, and when I lugged it on my shoulder, the girls cooed how I could carry it off well and it was nice.

And yeap, it was one of the items I would be dying to get if I ever could afford. Not to say that I am brand conscious, but sometimes, there are some things you just adore. My weakness? Bags and watches.

But because of my inability to afford any of such, I don’t usually buy them, and would only browse.

I look at the price tag, $2, 120.

*Cough*

Um, I shall be contended with my $49 Mango suede bag.

Finally, we sat down for dinner at Orchard’s Coffee Club, and Roumin’s boyfriend, Ryan, joined us.

Since Huiling is with Coffee Club, our bill had a discount of 25%.

I felt a great need to be home.

I don’t know why. I just wanted to be home.

The girls kinda persuaded us enough to head to Dempsey for some red wine with them, but since I don’t drink alcohol, I declined.

It was then, they were jokingly saying that they would introduce guy pals to me, then did I agree to hang out a little longer.

Actually, no. Cos eventually the guy wasn’t going down and I still went down to join the girlies and their partners.

Until 10.30pm, when Huiling’s boyfriend came down to pick her up, did I bid the 2 couples goodbye, as Bernard gave me a lift to Bukit Batok, where I caught a cab home.

I felt nothing.. but.. emptiness.

Later was I informed, Eileen went down later with her guy pal, whom she had wanted to introduce to me.

This is a danger sign. When your friends try to set you up with guy pals, the alarm bells are ringing.

You are becoming an old hag. Unwanted old hag, I might add.

Ha.

***

Sunday. 30th.

I did a bit of reading, before I went to sleep at 4, waking up at 12 to realise, I had an incoming message that informed me that Sam and Chin Yee were meeting up at 12.30pm at Takashimaya.

And yes, I had slept through some missed calls.

And oh no, Sam would need to go off at 3pm to catch a plane back to KL.

Sam, was in town, and wanted to meet up with us.

Sam and Chin Yee, were my classmates in high school, and we endured through the gloomy London chills together for that one and half year.

I haven’t seen Chin Yee for half a year, and I had met up with Sam last year when he was in town for a short visit too.

I really adore them, cos it was always that same familiar feeling when we meet up.

Chin Yee was a banker, and had just left her job for greener pastures in management position in one of the big department stores in town.

I was closer to her during those days, and she is always a generous friend with her constant naggings and encouragements despite how different we are.

Sam? He is now the director of his dad’s company, and overseeing the factories in Guangzhou and Shanghai, and that’s why he is in China most of the time.

I heard from Sam that Ken Shin is now overseeing his dad’s business in KL, dealing with furnitures, and had just split with his 8 years girlfriend.

Another one of our cliques, Howe Szuan? He is now a market analyst, shuttling between New York, London, and all the different parts of the world after graduating from Yale.

Um yeah.

Lunch was Dim Sum at Crystal Jade Hu Cui, which I feel is a darn nice place for a meal.

I always have this warm and fuzzy feeling when I meet them, yet always, feel that strong sense of inadequacy… But I love them so!

Um… Sam’s friend, who is now doing his PhD in Nanyang Technological University. He was Sam’s classmate in King’s College when they were doing Mechanical Engineering.

I had fought to pay for the bill since I had really wanted to treat both Chin Yee and Sam despite being really broke. But since Chin Yee was adamant to treat Sam too, we splitted the bill.

(Oh! Sam’s friend happens to be Airhole’s friend!)

What a small world.

Right after lunch, I followed them into LV, Dior, Chanel, Fendi, and all the big brands, and I had a serious overdose, and chose to wait outside instead.

I shall not mention how I saw an elegant, classy, but yet sexy pair of shoes from LV, and Chin Yee was equally enticed by the same pair.

A check with the salesman. $1, 100.

*Cough*

2nd object of lust.

I shall not mention how I took up a Chanel bag and slung it over myself, and I was impressed how good it looked.. *cough* on me.

New arrival. $3, 200+, I was told.

Well done, Ting. You are a lady of expensive taste.

And yes, that was my final object of lust.

After dim sum, Chin Yee and I took a little time off to indulge in some Italian Gelato, and it was fabulous.

And I say it not because of my fetish for all things Italian.

But as I started to go around on my own to look for books, I started to get dizzy and faint from the nagging pain in my tummy.

Time to head home for some rest.

At least I have a bed to roll around on, which was exactly what I did, until the mail came in, which caused me to feel so inferior about myself that it drained the contractions in my tummy away.

I was just disappointed, that efforts to be open about who I am, is being judged, and otracised.

What is a merit of a friend to you, have you ever ask yourselves?

For me, genuinity means the world to me.

And sometimes, stereotyping and generalising of people, overwrite all merits of a person, and what you do, will never be enough.

It is no difference from the shallow people who go purely for looks, cos being pretty doesn’t mean a person is nice, just like how having a tattoo doesn’t mean a person is bad to begin with.

Perhaps, that is the precise reason why I am wary, and weary of people these days, and I am fiercely guarded.

Refusing rights to people who wanna penetrate my world.

I had been busy and emotionally tired. But, I will reply back, not to salvage a friendship nor to launch a tirade of words. What for eh?

But perhaps.. I don’t know, to give a different perspective of things?

***

I was reluctant to head out.

Until, Zerro had messaged me and asked me if I wanna be the stand-in for Mr Tetanus, his 1st choice Catherine Zeta-Jones.

I am 2nd best. *Sob sob*

But, something from him was meaningful, when I messaged to ask if I was that bad a friend.

‘Worlds can be bridged. Or people can cross over. We have our lives to learn. What it takes is not will… But empathy. If you understand and want to understand someone.. Then you can join them. If all you have is a will.. Then you cannot. Hence the distinction between upper class and noveau riche.‘

VampTreSS was persistent to get me out, so I wouldn’t be dwelling in those negative thoughts, alone at home.

Zerro had told me it was quite boring, and I was too stingy to part with 15 bucks, or the cab fare on top of that.

And I didn’t have any costume. I don’t want to spend any money on it either.

Suddenly, I recalled having a sari in my wardrobe, something I bought when I brought my students to an excursion in Little India 4 years go, when I was still teaching.

I bought it for 30 bucks, and changed into it immediately. I ended up spending my entire day teaching in the lovely piece.

I love it!

But, as much as I knew Deepavali was coming, I was heading for a Halloween’s Party not Deepavali event.

Zerro joked that I could go as an Indian goddess.

Alright.

Come to think of it, I have a kebaya too! And I have a set of SIA kebaya too. Plenty of school uniform too.

Gee.

Eventually, after lotsa deliberate delaying, I changed into it, still feeling a complete ruin.

I took out my makeup, and not knowing how to make myself look totally horrid.

I started to did some atrocious makeup on myself, and gave my lips a lick of blood-red lippy, which I had never done before.

I was quite pleased with the results in less than 10 minutes.

I headed out of home.

Had wanted to draw a dark trail of tears, but I didn’t want to scare the general public.

I joked with them that I was dressing up as an Indian goddess who killed herself just to be closer to the Halloween’s theme.

Eventually when I got there, I realised dressing up wasn’t that necessary. *roll eyes*

Saw Sandra, who was dressed as an Arabian princess, and I didn’t realise how our outfits had matched. Hadn’t seen her for a long while, and she suggested to have a picture taken together.

Halfway through the event, I felt someone hugging me from the back, and planted a little kiss on my neck.

Just as I turned, I realised the one who planted the kiss of death, was, yes, Sandra.

Aren’t you guys just so jealous?

Hurhurhur.

Yes… Fat. I shall never reveal my tummy again.

The very hot and sexy Nana.

Hey babe, it was so great to see you again.

The very lovely Mandrake was dressed as Pimp Daddy, and his outfit was just so nice. We tried to act as if we were his courtesans.

He’s one of the nicest guys around.

Perhaps my mind wasn’t really at the event, I didn’t enjoy myself as I should.

Zerro had tried to sabotage me to bid for an auction for King Meng, to raise fund for charity, but muahahaha, he was counter-sabotaged when LMD and I had pointed to him when someone saw a raised hand(which was mine).

And yes, I had the honour to meet LMD, and I was actually, jittery.

She is cute and she dances hot! And I actually.. stammered.

And it was when the music was loud, when everyone was having ridiculous fun that I started to feel inadequate again.

A misfit, I felt.

And feeling the blood draining away from me(quite literally and metaphorically), I just sat there, and a tear, found its way out, and escaped from the duct.

I sat there, motionlessly, and more came. Freely, and rebelliously.

Darn. I was crying in the middle of nowhere. I stood up, I walked around, I was still tearing.

I sat down, and someone was walking towards me, I turned my head. Darn. The person next to me saw it.

Darn. Darn. Darn.

Janise took a napkin, and hushed me, wiping away the straying makeup.

It was supposed to be ruined, anyway. But it was intact because VampTreSS had forbade me to add a darkened trail of tear I had wanted to dab on earlier.

VampTreSS asked if I had wanted to go.

I had. But, I didn’t want to be confronted by quietness.

So there, I sat, slightly daze, watching the crowd going crazy, guys jumping onto girls, girls jumping onto guys, girls stripping off guys’ top, and people dirty dancing.

I danced with my closest friends and slithered up to some babes, who were really hot on the dancefloor. My pleasure to meet many nice people in one night.

I had my clueless and bimbo moment when one of them, had responded that he reads my blog, and had asked for my phone, so he could key in my number.

I walked away and went to grab my phone, and then I forgot why I took out my phone for!

I sat there with my phone in my hands, and not knowing what to do with it.

It was when I left, then I realised I didn’t go back to the guy and he might have thought that I was being really rude.

Woooops.

Sorry. But now, I finally know who you are! Muahaha.

But it was hilarious.

I met someone who had came up to me to say hi at Hideout once, and I started a 5 minute conversation with him. He had recognised me when I was with FF and Gavin, and it was during a time when I had yet to reveal my face.

He was really cold this time round, and I had thought he was angry with me. It was then, he asked who I am.

I was rather taken aback, and I looked at him quizzically.

Few failed attempts to grasp that I was saying ‘Scarlett Ting’ into his ears, he asked me how do I spell it.

I finally did. And he gasped, ‘You are Scarlett Ting? Huh? Oh my God! I didn’t recognise you?! You slim down a lot, is it?‘

……………..

Okay, this is odd.

Ah 9, you need new glasses!

And he wasn’t the only one.

Some time ago, when I was hanging out at Hideout with Vamp and FF, someone saw me leaving and had thought he recognised me.

He blogged about it.

And he added me onto MSN, and we chatted.

I stood right in front of him that night and waved.

He started asking who I am, and when he failed to recognise me, I thought I got the wrong person and was embarrassed.

Even more so when he had looked at me, puzzled, and asked if I had too much a drink.

Eventually, a friend of his, heard my introduction, and went, ‘It’s Scarlett Ting!’

He did a double take and was like ‘Ooooooooooops!‘ and I started thinking how odd it is when all the people who had met me before, recognised me before I even posted my pictures, had failed to recognise me.

And yes FEY, I am talking about you.

When I had looked the prettiest:

But darn, I swear not to reveal my navel when I am this fat.

Ah 9, who had the audacity not to recognise me even after 5 minutes of conversation, and me.

I am too lazy to crop away the bulging tummy. So yeap.

Janise, my darling, and I.

Seriously I didn’t take much pictures, so I would just post whatever people had taken of me.

My Jan is so hot.

Pole dancing.

I don’t know why I look so haughty in the picture either.

It was nice seeing people I had met before again, though I didn’t really have the chance to catch up with them again.

And I was a real clumsy sight when Zerro was trying to teach me Ceroc. I stepped all over his toes, and was looking too clueless, clumsy and ditzy that I could only giggle my way through.

I tried meddling with his fencing sword and realise I would never be able to make it as a fencer.

***

I made a fast escape as the last song aired its last beat.

I didn’t want to socialise, or some sort, I think.

So we made our way to River Valley, Spize Cafe.

SBB, the moron, had asked me over and over where is Spize Cafe, and I was quite sure he had been there before. When I finally said it was the one near River Valley, he went, ‘River Valley say River Valley, what Spize Cafe?! Tsk tsk!.‘

!!!!!!!

Lame bid to sound intelligent, but failed!

As we sat there, I was glad I was out of my sari.

The server, who was nicknamed my Bollywood lover by VampTreSS, after how he had hit on been very nice to me the previous time round.

I didn’t think he would recognise me cos my makeup was atrocious and I had bunned up my hair.

The previous time, I was without a hint of makeup, and was in my glasses.

But, uhoh, he did recognise me, and was flashing me his megawatt smiles, which VampTreSS and Jeff couldn’t stop teasing me about.

Well done.

SBB‘s friend was there too, and I had thought he was someone who looked like SBB‘s friend, until he looked at me with the same curious look on his face.

Eventually, we realised it was indeed each other, and he came over to say hi.

Introduced him to Jeff and VampTreSS.

I might have something else planned for the next few months, with Jeff’s help. So who knows, something might indeed come my way.

It was late, when I finally boarded the cab home, leaving myself with the most dangerous person — myself.

I was chatting a friend whom I deem close.

It was after cut number 5.

I felt exasperated as if she didn’t quite understand. She had attributed most things to SBB, and it was of no connections at all.

It made me feel even more inadequate. More misunderstood than I had felt for the entire day.

I felt trapped after the talk with her.

I went for my shower.

Just before that, it was back to the blade. Frustration. Angry with myself.

And the deepest cut, sliced.

***

It is almost 12 noon, and I still can’t get to sleep.

Had spent earlier of the day on MSN, and the Spanish cutie was online. Toni.

Sometimes, I really wonder, when will they ever take people around them seriously, and will they put in the effort to know a person beyond looks and sex.

It’s cool to know them, but I would really love to go beyond the surface and know a person’s character, rather than what he is known for.

Read, write and think had upset my sleeping pattern.

And it’s no good considering how I had to help out a friend today in the evening.

***

You found me, didn’t you?

Yes, I know.

I am a girl with issues.

I am, yes, that girl.

http://joewei.blogspot.com/2005/09/expos-2-i-am-edited-parts-in-red.html