PEBBLES IN THE SECRET WELL
Yeap, I resoluted to start blogging some stuffs that are of more intimate thoughts some days ago, didn’t I?
Never did I expect how God had planned multiple twists and turns along the way, that brought lotsa warm and fuzzy feelings within.
It’s time.
For me to look into the deep well, where a huge part of me was hidden, sealed.
For every step of my life, I learnt a little, I gained a little, and I lost a little.
Maybe, I lost a lot.
I don’t know.
What ever that was broken in the journey, or what I thought was broken, I chucked them into this memory well that resided in the deepest realm of my heart.
Most isolated.
Perhaps the most loathesome compartment, too.
It was built, to sustain my sanity.
I thought I was strong. I think I am strong.
Not unlike a huge piece of giant rock, sturdy, and firm.
Much drama were staged for the past 24 years, chipping away a piece of me each time a script is fulfilled.
More consistent than I thought.
At the end of each saga, I picked up the pebbles that laid by the side of my feet. Pieces that fell off me, and were part of me.
They became painful reminders of how the edges of the rock were chiselled off, much against its wills.
The tormenting, agonising evolution.
I glanced back at my path, and saw the residues.
I doubled over, lifted them off the ground with trembling fingers.
I rested the pebbles onto my palms, and refused to acknowlege how brittle my elements are.
And then, there was this well.
My secret well. A place, where I seek solace.
There is no magic about the well, just like anything else in my life.
There were times I thought of taking the plunge, and drown myself in it.
But surprisingly, I didn’t.
I awe myself with how I managed to survive with that flickering will to stay alive.
One day, I don’t know when, I stood by the well. I loosen the grip of my fist.
My palm bleeding from the piercing nails that dug deep into my flesh, tainting the pebbles red.
I tilted my palm, and my gaze lingered on them split second more than I should allow it to be.
I traced their path as they slided off my bruised palm, into the abyss of a forsaken place.
I sealed the mouth of the well, believing that I am liberated from the past, and that I am once again, strong, and not brittle.
I sashayed away from the well, unscathed. Or so I believed.
The well that I despised.
Yet, the well that I constantly return to, to dispose pebbles of all sizes and shapes.
That’s when I would take a peep into the well, reflecting upon how the past had rubbed off a part of me bit by bit, disintegrating me as the journey progressed.
I would then turn my back, with a futile attempt to forget its existence.
Yet, its importance was brutally denied.
Until it crept, slowly, yet stealthily, and rested itself closest to my heart.
***
Sometimes, it is quaint how things would fall into place with such immaculate timing.
It is from people around us, that we saw the reflections of ourselves.
I had constant chills for the past week.
From the chat in the cab with Janice, to the wedding dinner of my old pal, and to the brief MSN chat with Mr KG, that inevitably stirred me again.
I realise how lazy I had been.
People quicken their paces to press on, to keep up with the changes.
Me?
I am lazy.
I strolled.
With my head constantly turning back to glance at the solitary well.
My pace slackened.
The horrors.
The past had since caught up with me, and I was too slow to keep up with the changes.
I denied the past. Stashing it away further from myself.
I pretended not to remember the well still exists, filled with countless pebbles that embodied the past experiences, and past emotions.
Until. I met them.
Sometimes, it is hardest to be around such people.
People who can read you, that make you feel naked, exposed, and insecure.
You saw the secret wells within them too.
Cos, it is from them, you see yourselves, and recognised that some things, had never gone away.
You saw the reflection of a tiny stone which is all that’s left of the rock.
It is sadistic, but I found myself looking forward to meeting these people.
Cos, perhaps, I am looking for answers, fervently.
Cos, perhaps, I slowly am untying the knots within with their help.
I am pretty taken aback from the chain of incidents these days.
Too fast, too much, too swift. For my mind to handle.
Too… eerie. Coincidences. Countless of them.
I wanna thank the people who had brought such impact upon me. You might not even be aware who you are, but yeah, I am blardy thankful.
(No, the smart asses out there who think they know me well, I DO NOT mean you guys, obviously)
I conceded.
Remember when we were kids, we used to enjoy joining up numerated black dots, and at the end of it, it would make out a picture?
We would realise how we had drawn a castle, an animal, or a vehicle?
As I linked the dots together these days, the picture became more and more apparent.
It has a shape. It is not just random dots on the paper.
Last night, I finally made out what the dots were pointing me towards.
It is a picture of a well, filled with pebbles.
***
I had contemplated for the longest time to confront them.
Perhaps from my words, I could finally sort out my thoughts.
To see myself from another perspective.
Perhaps I was lazy.
Perhaps I was in denial.
Perhaps, I just didn’t want to hurt some people with the truth.
Too much perhaps.
I guess, the only way to renounce them, is to slowly go through the pile of blood-stained pebbles.
I might have to relive that moments of hurt and pain, savour the sweetness that no longer belongs to me, but, I think it is only so I could derive a form of closure.
Liberation.
It might take months, or even years before I could muster enough courage to finally complete the exorcism.
But at least, I have to start from somewhere.
And I would.
*Breathe in*
I pretty much have an idea where to start.
Yet, I am not sure if tonight is the night.
Somehow, the coward in me is acting up.
I am feeling an inability to express myself well.
I find it almost impossible for me to churn up anything.
Even this post, is taking up too much effort. No flow.
I will try.
I will.
Have to.
It takes time and energy to examine the past.Whether its actually worth it is uncertain.But than again worth is dependent on what you take out of it and you don’t know if you don’t try.
One thing is for sure.Once you open it up you can’t shut it down.It can become totally consuming and though you perhaps end up understanding youself and people around you better it can be perhaps pyrrhic as you could end up distancing yourself.
Nevertheless a journey worth making is never one that is easy or without risk.May you have the bravery and resilience necessary.Wish you the best.
June 22, 2005 4:06 AM
Hope this helps. I realise from Singapore to Burma true democracy of the people must reign:-
Changes
By Phil Ochs
Capo 1st fret
Intro: G/A/D/Em/G/A/F#m/Bm/Em/A/D/Em/A/D
G A D Em
Sit by my side, come as close as the air,
G A F#m
Share in a memory of gray;
Bm Em A D
And wander in my words, dream about the pictures
Em A D
That I play of changes.
Green leaves of summer turn red in the fall
To brown and to yellow they fade.
And then they have to die, trapped within
the circle time parade of changes.
Scenes of my young years were warm in my mind,
Visions of shadows that shine.
‘Til one day I returned and found they were the
Victims of the vines of changes.
The world’s spinning madly, it drifts in the dark
Swings through a hollow of haze,
A race around the stars, a journey through
The universe ablaze with changes.
Moments of magic will glow in the night
All fears of the forest are gone
But when the morning breaks they’re swept away by
Golden drops of dawn, of changes.
Passions will part to a strange melody.
As fires will sometimes burn cold.
Like petals in the wind, we’re puppets to the silver
strings of souls, of changes.
Your tears will be trembling, now we’re somewhere else,
One last cup of wine we will pour
And I’ll kiss you one more time, and leave you on
the rolling river shores of changes.
(repeat first verse)
Gordon Brown
Re-exploration of the past can be with painful,remedial or both.
Heard of this saying “nothing ventured, nothing gain”.
Since you chose to venture the past, i am sure you are the one that is gonna benefit from it.
You’ll be alright.~cheers
Painful chiselling at the pebbles is good for the soul to gain wisdom from Him..
The past is a reminder of what not to do in the future..
A slow walk is good to enjoy the things God had created and to evaluate things before running into a wall..
Don’t let the past be a burden to you…
It is for freedom that God has set us free, and free indeed are we! It is by His blood we are now redeemed. The past cannot and will not hurt us anymore.
Even through this journey of exorcising your old demons, He is with you. Don’t ever think that you are alone, yeah?
Re-visiting the past can be painful but it is essential. To get rid of old baggage so you can be filled up with His love once again.
Dear Ting, He loves you lots and He’s with you all the time.
His strength is made perfect in our weakness! So when we feel faint, He reaches out and holds us in His loving arms so we can walk on.
A suggestion: Re-visit the past with a Christian counselor who will walk you through the issues and help you to handle them in the right perspective.
*hugs*
hey babe, I don’t know what to say.
And perhaps you don’t need me to say anything. Just know that I am here for you.
life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna get.
Above all, it is privilege.
remember.. healing does not take one night. It takes many months to complete. The progress will depend on how much you are willing to be open up. Frankly speaking, you need to change your lifestyle.God loves you but how much do you really love God and be willing to obey him.
Socrates wrote, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” We need to examine ourselves, our journey and our purpose many times during our life. I know i have. I am surprised on how I have to face things from the past.
There was something from my childhood that surfaced when I was around 18-19… took alot of time to examine it and understand how it affects who I am… it was painful to examine those areas.. to open up wounds that I did not even know exist.. but ::Sigh:: had to be done… I know it made me a better person today…
You are always in my prayers… God loves you.. keep the faith sweetie!
Hello babe..
TIS. Tis is ur best entry. Even though it remains cryptic. Tis is still the most raw and true.
Therefore, it is the best to me.
Though I’d still insist, u shldn’t write for anyone but urself..
Still.. We will survive.. And be stronger *winks*
this post is so … zhenzi-esque. *cues twilight zone tune*
but yeah, what they said (something along the lines of “past gone = good. life is short, journey is long. hang in there.”)
11downingstreet.com: Thanks.. any idea where I can get the song?
Thanks to sharkz, esther and fred for the encouragements, which I already know by heart.
Still, it warms.
kelly, @l, kinky nomad and bravewimp: I like the comments left by you guys. No attempts to guess what’s behind the intentions, no attempts to speculate why and what.
Sometimes, I do things without any reason.
Just feel like it, and I just like to go with the flow.
fileeeee and vamp: *hug* thanks. I think both of you fall into the culprits category for this post la
Vamp, thanks, really. and haha this is not cryptic, this is jus the prologue.
had wanted to start on one story first, but ah, too tired. :X
To all,
I am not sure if my intention of this post is twisted..
I wrote this post with a lot of burdens shed, and it was a sweet feeling coming to terms with my emotions and taking pride in the people God has placed around my life these days.
Nothing too painful, really
Solemn posts don’t normally mean I am going to kill myself the next, I hope you guys understand.. haha.
Thanks for everyone who shows concern, and commented.
Just curious, why is it that everyone would only ‘preach’ when there are solemn posts, and speak as if they know full well what is happening?
Nothing bad had happened to me these days, mostly good. I like.
So to anonymous, thanks for the concern, but don’t tell me what to do especially you don’t even want to leave your name here.
Cos, you might not even know my life, at all.
You might know bits and pieces, but if you are not close enough to look into my life, then don’t act smart.
Hmm, mebbe not happening enough so i need to make a change? that i should find a boyfriend and shag around?
joke, joke.
i am not doing this to heal. I am very much opened up about all these details to pple around me, but not publicly.
I just want stories. of myself. thats all.
Oops I am sorry. I don’t mean to intrude your lifestyle. And I am not trying to act smart. What I am trying to say that you should make a new fresh start.It might do you good. Since you are not opening to opinions, I shall not make one anyway. Anyway who am i to make?:)
I am really sorry to make you paranoid. I shall not make any comments and read your blog in future.
“Just curious, why is it that everyone would only ‘preach’ when there are solemn posts”
Prolytisation is as much for the benefit of the person giving as the person receiving.One can only prolytisize to a willing audience.
“And speak as if they know full well what is happening?”
Cos everyones an amateur psychologist lol.
Goody Goody.I love stories.Stories are beautiful.
Tings Treatsies and Tales!Let me get my hot chocolate
I guess it is not a case of open to opinions or not, but it is more of, sometimes, advices are often dispensed in the wrongest way possible, just because people would have a kind of perception of things that are going on.
Hence, sometimes when the comments are not in sync with what the post is trying to get across, it is just unfortunate people make judgements and prescribe a dose of medicine just because they think in a certain way.
thats why, i had briefly mentioned it in my blog about smart asses, cos they do exist, and many had msged me in MSN to tell me what to do, in the name of God’s children.
All the different things, and some, not even in tune with the situations.
So many, so different, and it gets confusing, and frustrating.
And I would rather get the support, and not personal suggestions of what is right, or wrong, especially from anonymous people whom you have no way to establish their intentions.
its like when you sneeze, and people are rushing to give u antibiotics, flu medicine, when its just dust that itch your nose.
I am sorry if I did sound harsh when trying to get my point across. i was just typing the flow of thoughts, and puzzling thoughts that came to mind, not with anger.
Comments are welcomed, and is there a need to take a drastic step to not comment/read?
Hmm, that’s your take, and I shall not tell you what to do. I respect that.
Thanks anyway. take care
@l: Yes, everyone is an amateur psychologist, but it is the same reason why people are scared of putting up their stories, cos they dun wan pple to put
==> oh i can understand that perfectly well.
==> i tink wat you should do should do.
stories are meant to be heard, and not to be judged…
blog space crammed all those, and thats why most people dun dare to blog about themselves anymore..
Pruning may appear to be hurting the plant but it imparts vitality, directs its growth and encourages flowering. Beautiful roses come from well pruned shrubs.
Here’s a rose for you lady.
Hmm! After reading this latest post of your’s, I had a nightmare of a hantu coming out of the well. Wait! That’s that damn movie I just saw. Heehee…;P
Seriously, its probably good that you look back at your past & examin your life. Wished I could do it. Sss….:I
Peoples opinions are based upon their own limited experiances.Often what they prescribe is totally irrelevant or out of context.
Even where they have a wide variety of experiances,their ability to learn from it is limited by analytical ability, perspective,emotions as well as time available.Besides does anyone ever go into anything with an open mind ?
I saw that post by anonymous and it moved me somewhat.To flippantly write off your life, your ideas and the way you do things is at the very least insensitive.Even if a person has the best of intentions and is indeed correct,one should never write off anyone else.
Secondly what makes anyone so certain of themselves to the degree that they can give such “advice” generally let alone specifically to you? Are they that sucessful and happy?
I hadn’t realiased that people have taken the it upon themselves to save you by interrupting your personal space and liberty by telling you want to do on MSN.How self righteous of them !
I find myself very uncomfortable at the very least with people that insist that they have the sole inalieanble monopoly on life, meaning of life and happiness.
Actually what you wrote wasn’t harsh.Its actually perfectly true.How can one be offended by the truth ? If anything your offering, should actually contribute to Anonnoymous by giving him/her something to reflect upon.Whether it is of worth to annonymous (re: para 2)
Your doing good by even acknowledging and by default seiveing through the information that is presented to you.It is indeed confusing because everyone runs their lives in their own way.Often the way they do it and perhaps even succeed is more a result of the vagaries of chance rather than to do with any plan. By logically developing your self you have a better chance of finding what is right for you.And that is what counts.
PS- People judge because they are too lazy to think
I like this post …
vandice: Thanks *beams*
snake: Hurhurhur. Must be do too much evil deeds la you.
I think I just need to relive those moments and acknowledge them as part of me, rather than something i deny for so long.
noah: Thanks.. glad to hear that.
@l: Wow, it was almost a blog entry by itself.
Thanks.
You spoke of some stuffs which I agree with.
Still, I think most of them meant well, just perhaps in a way which I am not so comfortable with..
“I resoluted”? That’s “I resolved”.
my bad. but i cant be bothered to change, bleah.
shall leave it
Ting,
Not trying to analyize you.. just commenting on what your post made me feel and think of. You know, that is the beauty in what you write.. it just doesn’t open us up to what you are thinking, but many times it makes me think and remember things in my past.
I really like when you write like this, but I agree with what was said.. blog for you and you alone.. that is where the true beauty is