It was just a day ago when I decided that the dreamful sleeps I had deserve some kind of mention on this space.
I was thinking that writing things that don’t really make sense might be a good start to make a little difference to this word-drought.
The nights of insomnia seem to have come to an end, I had one of the best rests yesterday (or rather, earlier this morning), and I could feel the tension easing off, and I could feel how my body was just in absolute ease and comfort – though I suspect the ceasing of the extreme allergy reaction to the mosquito bites played a part too.
I remember recently I woke up after trying to save the world. One with me playing the superheroine, and there were dead people everywhere. But then reality thought it would be fun to slip in a cruel joke in the midst of it, I was trying to evacuate the public when I accidentally walked into a scaffolding (which I am damn capable of doing in real life), and the scaffolding collapse onto the people trying to escape, thus increasing the number of casualties.
Even in my dreams, I am a clumsy superheroine. Not funny.
So, last night I was thinking of writing about my dreams, and I went to sleep with a dream which is going to impact me for a long, long while.
You know how a dream that feels too much like reality, and you woke up feeling like you really lived through it? Even though it has absolutely no link to the reality you are in right now.
Yeah, one of those.
They are not wrong to say I am a dreamer, I dream on most nights, and sometimes I wake up forgetting what they are, yet the dream I had yesterday had every detail etched stubbornly in me.
Maybe it has to do with the people in the dream. For the first time in years, my dream has absolutely no one from my present, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t subconsciously contributed to some of the decisions I made in the dream.
It was pretty strange, cos in the dream I was thinking and making decisions based on many things I have encountered recently and it was almost as if I could control where my dream was going.
And man, I did.
I woke up more than 6 times in my sleep, once with me heading to the washroom for a pee-break, and another waking up to get some water to drink, yet every single time the dream continued.
And there was no other dream, but one that played out like a 8-hour film.
The lead in the dream was someone from my past, 8 years ago. There was once I consciously woke myself up just to try to recall his full name.
It is no surprise that I ended up searching the archive of this blog to try to latch on to the past we once shared, and figuring out what are some of the details that might have slipped by me.
Strange thing is, even some stuff I no longer remember, the dream reminded me that even the tiniest possible details from 8 years ago are still very much hidden somewhere in a corner of my mind. You don’t realise how much you remember about a person, or the impact this person has on you, until he is given some form by your subconscious.
It was someone I was rather fond of, who was incredibly sweet to me, yet had his episodes of spite and pent-up anger during the time we were trying to get to know each other.
I remember how much I enjoyed his company, and then finding out he was kinda in a relationship kinda halted things, and then I did the unceremonious thing of pushing him away, thinking it was the best thing I could do for both of us. Eventually he did end his relationship but still there was no way for us to take things further and I think in a way, I did kinda hurt him back then (but so many years already, we both are probably looking back at that episode and laughing about it).
Then, we cut each other off for good thereafter.
For many years I still think about how he is doing, and the last I heard from him was in 2006, and I think he was pretty glad to have nothing to do with me anymore.
So, the dream started with us reconnecting and within few weeks, he proposed. And with the giddiness of youth and simply too tired to care, I actually accepted with spontaneity that could be passed off as stupidity.
And the days that built up to the simple wedding, we actually agreed that we could divorce anytime, and gave it a month or so.
I remember how queasy I felt about the idea of the wedding when it drew near, and that was when I first woke up, to realise it was a dream. I quickly relaxed myself back to sleep knowing it wasn’t real.
WAH LAU. EVEN DREAMING ALSO COMMITMENT-PHOBE.
I remember it was a nice 3-storey resort honeymoon suite, with views of the mountains, valleys and the sea, nothing short of beautiful with the white curtains flowing in the wind. The breeze was comforting.
The best part is waking up and feeling like I have actually been to a place like this. You gotta love realistic dreams which fuck up your mind like this.
I remember walling myself up pretty soon and looked on to the entire thing like it was just… a show, and despite his initial reservation with me after all that had happened between us, he was utterly sweet and thoughtful, and it came with a maturity I wished I had found back then.
I remember the glares his friends shot at me, wondering if I would end up hurting him since he was marrying me against their wishes.
I remember I only had one friend I recognised with me. A friend from primary school. She asked me if I was crazy to do such things on a whim and I said, one for spontaneity, and give it 2 months and we will end it.
What for, she asked? I shrugged, “We just wanna see how it feels like, since we probably would never get to find out, and he knows that this ain’t gonna last too, though I feel bad about it. ”
I remember I curled myself up in bed after the ceremony (which was funny cos the dream totally skipped the ceremony part which means I didn’t have to entertain thoughts of familiar people and the only time I was in the lacey dress was during the fitting in the dream) after I had showered, and he came to the room in a well-cut suit to wake me up tenderly to ask if I was hungry.
I was, and he held out his hand to me and led me to the hotel’s kitchen and got the cooks to whip up some of my favourite dishes for me.
Despite we knew it was going nowhere, we actually gave the best we could.
It was a lot of good times in the dream.
But the funniest part was the sex part, cos apparently I married him without ever testing the goods (which is true in real life too). So the night of our wedding we decided to well, finally made it happen.
IT WAS JUST BAD. LIKE REALLY BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
I remember thinking to myself, “Well, since I recently discovered something about myself, let’s try it out and make the best out of it.” Then I rolled on top of him.
That is the point when reality and dream kinda intercepted for a moment, hurhurhur.
I am not sure if it says how I gauged him to be in real life since we never ventured that far to find out…
I remember waking up for a toilet break shortly after and thought to myself, “Seriously, if this is a realistic dream, and the sex is bad, FML. Can I have Robert Downey Jr as the protagonist and have awesome sex tomorrow?”
I remember walks by the sea, and just something really carefree, with the constant thoughts of when I can bring up the topic of divorce.
I remember how when he held my hand, and I thought how unfamiliar this feeling is. It is nice, but foreign.
Then he gave me flowers, the same ones he got for me 8 years ago. I laughed when I got it, and he said, “I know this is not your colour, but I just thought it kinda allow us to reminisce the past.” And then, he actually had another bouquet prepared in the colour I actually like.
I remember how he is really treating me like a princess, and I was smiling a lot when I allowed myself to be, well, myself, to just live in the moment.
Everything felt… innocent and pure.
The dream didn’t last till the divorce, but I woke up freezing the moments when they were at their most beautiful, and I felt kinda good.
Wherever you are, I believe you are at a better place without someone like me in your life.
I hope you are well, and thanks for making me smile on a day like this with the memories, and dreams you left me with.